The shower and I have a hate/love relationship.  It hurts my phsical body to be in the shower. Everything that touches me feels like sandpaper - the streams of water that I use to love hurt.  However, I still get my best thoughts in the shower - don’t figure.  I have never thought about writing a song/poem - but in the shower today it came See what you think of my first attempt!

You are my God
You are my Jesus
You are watching me
You know just what I need

Fear I’ll not have
Worry I won’t be
You designed the plan
It’s safely in your hand

You are my God
You are my Jesus
You are watching me
You know just what I need

Living the day for You
Brings the joy to me
You are my Savior
A gift that is free

You are my God
You are my Jesus
You are watching me
You know just what I need

The world seems dark
But you are light
The earth’s not home
Heaven will be bright

You are my God
You are my Jesus
You are watching me
You know just what I need

Don’t live for now
Live for what will be
Give it to God
Rest and be free

You are my God
You are my Jesus
You are watching me

You know just what I need

BOTH CANCERS STILL IN REMISSION!!! PRAISE GOD!

However, neuropathy much worse - extreme pain - and so he is sending me to a neurologist for more tests.  He was hoping that it would be leveling or getting better by now.  The neurologist may be able to give me more info, treatments etc. Right now the pain is just getting too hard to bear 24/7.

I also scheduled my next round of scans for the beginning of June.  If either cancer even tries to come back we’ll be ready

Thanks for all of your prayers!

What time is it? Well, it’s past my bedtime.  It’s past 1AM here in CA.  What am I doing up? I’m crying! I have been crying or more like sobbing now for over an hour.  The pain in my legs and feet is so bad.  I took my night med and can’t take one until morning.  I’m human and I just want the pain to go away and leave me alone.  I have actually heard my mind say to my heart, “wouldn’t you be better off to just cut off your feet?”  How silly - but is it?  That’s the battle I have with myself.  How far is the human brain suppose to be pushed - 24/7 pain for a little over 4 months? Does that qualify as “human torture”?  Is it worth it to not allow the doc to give me the ‘tough boy’ pain killers so I can just sleep my life away?  I wouldn’t have to function - let alone try to work to help get us out of the financial mess that the chemo has caused. What’s the answer?!?!

The answer is to pull from deep within that God has a purpose for me on this earth or He would have called me home.  The answer is to endure so that my heart can feel, hurt, and develop into a heart that is full of true compassion for the hurt of others.  The answer is to know I’m human and I can be angry and mad even at God without loosing any of my faith or love for God - for God did NOT create pain - we humans did.  The answer is to sit quiet and allow my God to hold me - to feel His strength endure the pain for me.  The answer is not to give up - at the same time not try to fake it that I’m enjoying this time of my life. The answer is for me to be real before God and all of you and then stand aside and allow God to be real in front of all of you!

I may not ever know why going through the chemo was not enough - that I have to have a body full of pain too - but I do know that the pain is making me a better and stronger person. That my condition has touched others and all of it will Glorify God in the Big scheme of things.

What time is it? It’s time to stop looking for answers - but just accept “it is what it is” and “what it is” is needed to make me one step closer to being like Christ.  Jesus sacrificed His LIFE - the pain and torture He went through is NOTHING like I feel.  He had to be turned away from God - His Father - I get to walk through my pain holding God’s hands!!!!  So even in this time of sobbing, I see just how blessed I am!

It’s time to see just how blessed you are and be thankful for the “good, bad, and ugly” in your life It’s time to  stop trying to do life alone - grab on to God’s hand - and walk together! That’s what I want for everyone - that is when your “inner” pain will leave. I may have physical pain - OK, no may about it - I’m hurting here - but I can/will survive outer pain - I just thank God I will NEVER have inner pain again because of Jesus.

It’s 1:20AM and I’m going to go give sleeping another chance.  I do see the doc at 12:45 tomorrow for scan results - no biggie - that too will be what it needs to be :-)  GOOD NIGHT to you all with love, Donna