So, the real question is how to live during your BIG SCANS WEEK. I don’t really think about it all the time - just at the yearly BIG SCANS week It’s the week you tell yourself a million times that the cancer has not returned. It’s the week you catch yourself a million times sneaking a “what if” scenario. It’s the week you PRAISE GOD because you made it another year cancer free. It’s the week you PRAY TO GOD asking Him that you could continue to be cancer free. It’s the week you spend all your waking moments praying for those friends that lived through their BIG SCANS week only to hear the words “it’s returned” whether they have been cancer free for a year or 17 years! It’s the week you realize once again that someday you WILL die - whether cancer takes you or something else. It’s the week you do a lot of soul searching trying to figure out if you lived the last year to it’s fullest - reaching the purpose God intended for you to reach. It’s the week that can give you the results you dream for or the results that will put your life upside down. It’s the week that on the surface you live like any other week and inside you are a different person - preoccupied and wishing someone would notice and give you support - but then you don’t want support because you don’t want people to know that you “worry” about the cancer. So, how do you live through the BIG SCANS week? One second at a time - staying in that moment - and trying your hardest not to look to the next second I have completed my CT SCAN, my PET SCAN, my BONE SCAN is tomorrow, and my MAMMOGRAM is Friday - on June 5th, I’ll hear my doctor say, “and the envelope please …. the cancer free award OR the returning cancer award goes to DONNA!”

Well, today is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY from my first Chemo treatment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!
I had planned on celebrating it up big time … and yet, I sit here fighting tears! Don’t fret, I have been on my “on-line news group with survivors” and this is very normal.

If I really think about one year ago, I can feel the anxiety of the unknown. I feel the panic inside of what would chemo be like … how sick would I get … what will my head look like … is there any chance I could be the one in the million to keep my hair …. would I get the mouth sores … would I be able to be a mom and for how long … would I be around to meet Meredith?

Looking back at one year ago, I also had a safety net … the cancer couldn’t be coming back, I’m on chemo! The signs of nausea and hair loss were devastating, and yet reassurance that I was doing something to keep the cancer away. Now, I have no safety net. “I’m” not fighting or doing anything now to stop a cell from growing (and even worse the meds aren’t working and I have a period - not good).

So, I’m not celebrating my 1 year anniversary of my chemo treatment! OK, now the positive …. what I can and will celebrate today, is the fact that my heavenly daddy wasn’t just ‘on duty’ for the chemo! He is ‘on duty’ for this next stage of emotions that I’m facing and for the next and the next .. you get the picture.

Today, I’m celebrating that I have tons of mixed emotions …. and that it is OK! It is OK that God is celebrating for me … that God still has to hold me tight to get me through this next step … that God understands my feelings more than I do … that God is in control and I can RELAX and just BE MYSLEF!

It’s one year of just one of the many phases of my life … it’s just one time that God carried me … so, today - for me - don’t celebrate the one year anniversary of my first chemo treatment … CELEBRATE THAT IT’S BEEN ONE YEAR OF ME KNOWING THAT MY GOD HAS THIS UNDER CONTROL - AND THAT I JUST NEED TO BE HIS CHILD!!!!! That’s such a big lesson for us all
Ok … I can celebrate having NO METAL TASTE … yuck … that makes me gag just thinking about that taste … nothing is worse than having something take away your craving for chocolate

TODAY - JANUARY 24TH - IS MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY FROM MY FIRST CHEMO TREATMENT!!!!!! Let’s party!!!!!!

I am so thrilled to have that behind me. You can pray for me though as the medicine I’m taking is not keeping me in menopause - my body is stubborn - so I may have to have surgery to remove my ovaries and maybe more. I’m cool with that - fewer places to watch out for cancer!!!!

I’ll keep you informed!

No matter what …. I celebrate and live in the fact of how blessed I am!!!!!