I’d like to say that I haven’t blogged for a while because I couldn’t, but so not true. This past week as been a little easier (could be the increase in meds). During the past week of less pain, I found joy and peace. I felt like I was accomplishing what I needed too and life was grand. Last night, it changed. I cried myself to sleep because of the pain.  This morning I sit typing with pencils and even that is painful.

So, what do I do with that joy and peace? Does it float away because life isn’t perfect or on the way to perfection? Absolutely, NO! My joy and peace is non-negotiable.  What I have learned is that my joy and peace is not wrapped up by my emotions or circumstances. It is tightly wrapped up in the arms of my God! With HIM in the lead of my day to day, and with Him carrying me when the pain is too hard to bear - there is my joy and peace.

I have learned to really be thankful for each day. Gram Sam always said, “This is the day that the Lord has made - let us rejoice and be glad in it.” I’m not suppose to be alive if you believe statistics. I’m suppose to be on public assistance if you listen to my doc. I’m not suppose to be living a productive life if you listen to the mass tht says joy is found in circumstances.

Well, like so many others who have physical challenges, we say NO THANK YOU WORLD! God has not said it’s over. He has said there are new dreams, new ways, and new challenges to over come. We can lay down and watch the world pass by or we can continue to LIVE and enjoy each moment.  Yes, I would like to live in no pain - but I tell myself to get over it.  My eternity will be painless and this life is but a blink of the eye compared to eternity.  I will not withdraw but I’ll be wife, mom, business woman, speaker (that’s my new gig), mentor etc. I may have to find new ways but that is a game to me not a reason to stop.

An incredible speaker, Julius Henderson, has a new book coming out- GO! Getting over the ready set (something like that).  I have lived in the “ready-set” mentality TOO LONG.  I am GOING! Why the change? Because now I find JOY in GOD not the moment. I find the ability and the talents through GOD not by working on being “ready”. I listen to GOD for HIS timing instead of everything being “set” for me to go.  It’s because I have given it ALL to GOD and now I’m just His hands and feet and that gives me true JOY!

JOY is non-negotiable.  Do you have that JOY today? If not, why not? It’s yours for the taking!

At 4 in the morning last night, I was thinking it would be less pain to cut off my hands and feet than to just lay there. The pain was so intense that it took me to my knees before the “white throne”.  This lead to the worse migraine ever and I have had thousands.

I praise God that He knew my schedule. I slept in until 10AM! Yippee.  Now, its another day, another pain pill, and I’m ready for today’s challenges!!

We an give in or we can give up.  Giving in is to stop living.  Giving up is let go and give it all to God! I am not prepared to give in - but daily I’m learning to give it all up to God.  I’m letting Him call the shots - write my to-do list - put the people in my path that I may touch - I allow Him to be my strength when I am so weak.  Yes, I have pain 24/7, but I bet you I’m “LIVING” more than others.  I’m not “surviving”, I’m living.  For me, the only way to “live” is to give it all up!!!

You know how sometimes things can look both grim and fabulous at the same time. It’s all in the angle or your viewpoint. Well right now that is how my life feels to me - on one hand hard and the other hand perfect.

My magic pills stopped doing their magic. My pain is back and at full force. Typing with pencils hurts. I am very tough and probably too “prideful” about that but last night I allowed myself to shed a few tears. I sit here feeling very unproductive, lazy, and sometimes pitiful because of my physical limitations.

If you look at me from another angle - life is awesome right now. The selfish side first, I have so many loving friends that feel bad for me I’m getting lots of fun free lunches and spending time with these incredible women - LOL. The more serious side, God is teaching me another lesson and for the first time I think I’ getting it loud and clear.

I have been a perfectionist since I was young. I always pushed myself to be the best. It’s good to push but not to let that go to putting you in a box and being a prisoner. I didn’t try things new or take a risk if I didn’t think I’d be good. I worry about people finding out who the real me is and the real me doesn’t live up to their standards. I won’t work on my Mary Kay business unless all the systems were in place, I learned everything there was to know, my appearance had to be perfect first etc.

I can’t be perfect now - my body acts and looks like it’s 90 years old. I need help for little things like opening a jar, putting my earrings on, or writing a Mary Kay sales slip.  Since there is NO WAY I can be perfect, I’ve stopped trying. I’m just going with the flow and actually living. WHAT FREEDOM. I don’t have to pretend I’m someone I’m not. I don’t have to push to do more and be superwoman. I can go to my Mary Kay parties and not wonder if I’m classy enough - put together enough. I just can be me and everyone has to take my “me” “as is”. For the first time I have NO control and I love it.

You know God always sees me as perfect! He made me just like He wants me - mole between my eyes and all. If we want to really live and experience all life has to offer - not trying to be a fake so we look perfect - all we have to do is have faith that God is right and we (you) are already perfect.

Letting go is like taking a huge weight off of your back.  I truly believe that now that I can’t be perfect, I’m a better friend, wife, mother, and I will grow my business to help get us out of this financial mess. Instead of wasting energy thinking I have to be all and do all, I can put that energy into finding ways to get things done in the state I am right now. I can focus on the “what is” not the “what I think it (I) should be”. It’s freeing, uplifting, and I’m SO excited about what the real me can accomplish!

If you are old like me (lol), you’ll remember the bIg campaign of … “FREE TO BE YOU AND ME” … WELL AFTER 20 SOME YEARS, I GET IT!!!! No more thinking I have to be perfect to be valued or an “asset” to this world. I am FREE and I am just ME with strengths and weaknesses.  Thank you God for making me perfect!