Sometimes, I love the internet because I can find out things I really want to know.  It’s much easier than using encyclopedias or dictionaries.  It is quick and more information than I need is ready for me to read in matter of seconds.

Sometimes, I don’t love the internet at all because it gives me TOO much information.

I had my blood work done yesterday and it looks great.  I went from 7.0 to 11.5 - YIPPEE.  That is a blessing because I’m not dizzy and I can actually get my “inside” warm again.  My legs and hands though are worse - very numb and the “pin sensation” is 24/7 and increasing in pain level.  I asked the doctor if that should have changed with the new blood and unfortunately, he said it’s not related.  It will TAKE TIME!

So, I decided this morning - since my feet feel like someone attached bricks to my legs - that I would go on the internet and read some other survivor blogs and see what the general time frame is for this side effect (called neuropathy).  Well, this time the internet gave me too much information.  I realize it is different for everyone - but the survivors that had my type of chemo said many of them had it for 3-5 YEARS and 2 blogs said they have it still 10 years later.  Again, I know everyone is different, but that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

I can handle the numbness and tingling - as far as the pain and discomfort - but it’s giving up the usage.  I owe hundreds of you a handwritten thank you but I can’t write.  Thank goodness for the keyboard - I can hit a key - just can’t grasp a pen.  I drop things because I can’t tell how tight I’m holding them.  I took out my contact the other day and was holding it until commercial from my Christmas show.  At the break I would go put it back in - not there.  I had to search.  I couldn’t feel when I dropped it.  Have you ever tried putting on make up (which is my line of work) when you are numb?  I either squeeze enough for the week out or I rub it all in one spot.  I have broken things because I applied too much strength not knowing it - I am superwoman.  As far as my feet, the tingling sensation is worse from knee down.  I can hardly feel putting my socks on.  I tell my feet to walk and they do - but I can’t really feel moving them all that much - it’s like coming home from the dentist and you know you feel your mouth but not really.  At least if I can put up with the tingling/pain, I have my walker so I’m not as impaired as with my hands.

SO, what do I do with this information?  I could have this for a few more months (best case) and I could have to live with this for the rest of my life (worse case).  Many tell me to be grateful that I’m alive no matter the side effects.  I am - but they aren’t the ones that are loosing use of their hands - lol.  Some tell me that I need to be happy because God knows I can handle this much.  I am and I do find comfort that God can trust me with trials.  Some say that I need to focus on the better person I have become - stronger.  I do, I realize that our time on earth is about molding our character and becoming more Christ-like and I definitely have much more compassion for people.  Some tell me I need to yell and scream and get angry.  At times I do that too because I am human and I could say, “why me cancer - why me side effects”.

What is the best way to handle this … for me it’s not going to be easy but it’s DAY BY DAY!  Sometimes, I think God gives me trials that work on my “control” issue.  I want the facts now.  I want to know how long do I “need to suffer” (and I realize soooo many suffer much worse than this).  I want to know what the future holds so I can decide how I’ll handle it and how long I’ll handle it - if I’ll fight or give up.  I want all the info and I’ll decide my future.

God tells us to live in such the opposite way.  We are to live moment by moment just doing our best and learning daily and changing.  We are not to care about tomorrow or the “how long” because that is His job.  He doesn’t want us to think about the “can I do this or should I give up” because He knows we can do ALL THINGS with His help.  He wants to find the blessings of today not the problems of tomorrow.  He wants us to work on becoming more like him instead of putting energy on what doesn’t matter.  He wants us to cry and be angry and bring that to Him so He can comfort us - He never asked us to be more than human. He just wants us to be growing humans.

So, I’m going to live today and work around the tingling/pain.  I am going to find the blessings of today - like I can still feel a hug and kiss.  I’m going to (try) give over what I can’t do to God and allow Him to teach me new ways of doing things or find help.  I’m going to ONCE AGAIN (seems like I do this daily) give over my tomorrow and let that be His business!

Yes, I’ll fail at this lesson.  I love giving over my tomorrow to God because it does feel so peaceful and free - but then I’m not use to the feeling of letting go so I take it back.  It’s ok though that I don’t get it first time - God is a God of MANY chances.  He loves just watching me learn step by step and see the changes in me.  He picks me up and keeps me on track.  He’s never “done with my efforts” and ready to give up on me.  HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES YOU TOO - so join me in giving up your tomorrow - its a great feeling to get the weight of tomorrow off your shoulder!

1. Beautiful, my special friend, beautiful.

   Comment by Kari — December 21, 2008 @ 7:32 am

2. I too wear contacts. I can’t see farther than a few inches from my face without them. A week ago Kyle, a friend, and myself were watching a movie. Have you ever been watching a movie and your contact just pops out? I had one go, and then about a half hour later the other popped out. Apparently my eyes were dry. Luckily we were at my house and not a theater. It would have been much harder to find the contacts had we been in the dark.

   Comment by Tasha — December 21, 2008 @ 3:33 pm

3. Donna,

   I want you by my side when life gets rough. Thankfully your God will be with me!

   Love you!!!

   Comment by Caren — December 29, 2008 @ 6:22 pm

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