Sometimes, I love the internet because I can find out things I really want to know.  It’s much easier than using encyclopedias or dictionaries.  It is quick and more information than I need is ready for me to read in matter of seconds.

Sometimes, I don’t love the internet at all because it gives me TOO much information.

I had my blood work done yesterday and it looks great.  I went from 7.0 to 11.5 - YIPPEE.  That is a blessing because I’m not dizzy and I can actually get my “inside” warm again.  My legs and hands though are worse - very numb and the “pin sensation” is 24/7 and increasing in pain level.  I asked the doctor if that should have changed with the new blood and unfortunately, he said it’s not related.  It will TAKE TIME!

So, I decided this morning - since my feet feel like someone attached bricks to my legs - that I would go on the internet and read some other survivor blogs and see what the general time frame is for this side effect (called neuropathy).  Well, this time the internet gave me too much information.  I realize it is different for everyone - but the survivors that had my type of chemo said many of them had it for 3-5 YEARS and 2 blogs said they have it still 10 years later.  Again, I know everyone is different, but that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

I can handle the numbness and tingling - as far as the pain and discomfort - but it’s giving up the usage.  I owe hundreds of you a handwritten thank you but I can’t write.  Thank goodness for the keyboard - I can hit a key - just can’t grasp a pen.  I drop things because I can’t tell how tight I’m holding them.  I took out my contact the other day and was holding it until commercial from my Christmas show.  At the break I would go put it back in - not there.  I had to search.  I couldn’t feel when I dropped it.  Have you ever tried putting on make up (which is my line of work) when you are numb?  I either squeeze enough for the week out or I rub it all in one spot.  I have broken things because I applied too much strength not knowing it - I am superwoman.  As far as my feet, the tingling sensation is worse from knee down.  I can hardly feel putting my socks on.  I tell my feet to walk and they do - but I can’t really feel moving them all that much - it’s like coming home from the dentist and you know you feel your mouth but not really.  At least if I can put up with the tingling/pain, I have my walker so I’m not as impaired as with my hands.

SO, what do I do with this information?  I could have this for a few more months (best case) and I could have to live with this for the rest of my life (worse case).  Many tell me to be grateful that I’m alive no matter the side effects.  I am - but they aren’t the ones that are loosing use of their hands - lol.  Some tell me that I need to be happy because God knows I can handle this much.  I am and I do find comfort that God can trust me with trials.  Some say that I need to focus on the better person I have become - stronger.  I do, I realize that our time on earth is about molding our character and becoming more Christ-like and I definitely have much more compassion for people.  Some tell me I need to yell and scream and get angry.  At times I do that too because I am human and I could say, “why me cancer - why me side effects”.

What is the best way to handle this … for me it’s not going to be easy but it’s DAY BY DAY!  Sometimes, I think God gives me trials that work on my “control” issue.  I want the facts now.  I want to know how long do I “need to suffer” (and I realize soooo many suffer much worse than this).  I want to know what the future holds so I can decide how I’ll handle it and how long I’ll handle it - if I’ll fight or give up.  I want all the info and I’ll decide my future.

God tells us to live in such the opposite way.  We are to live moment by moment just doing our best and learning daily and changing.  We are not to care about tomorrow or the “how long” because that is His job.  He doesn’t want us to think about the “can I do this or should I give up” because He knows we can do ALL THINGS with His help.  He wants to find the blessings of today not the problems of tomorrow.  He wants us to work on becoming more like him instead of putting energy on what doesn’t matter.  He wants us to cry and be angry and bring that to Him so He can comfort us - He never asked us to be more than human. He just wants us to be growing humans.

So, I’m going to live today and work around the tingling/pain.  I am going to find the blessings of today - like I can still feel a hug and kiss.  I’m going to (try) give over what I can’t do to God and allow Him to teach me new ways of doing things or find help.  I’m going to ONCE AGAIN (seems like I do this daily) give over my tomorrow and let that be His business!

Yes, I’ll fail at this lesson.  I love giving over my tomorrow to God because it does feel so peaceful and free - but then I’m not use to the feeling of letting go so I take it back.  It’s ok though that I don’t get it first time - God is a God of MANY chances.  He loves just watching me learn step by step and see the changes in me.  He picks me up and keeps me on track.  He’s never “done with my efforts” and ready to give up on me.  HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES YOU TOO - so join me in giving up your tomorrow - its a great feeling to get the weight of tomorrow off your shoulder!

Ok, my spiritual gift is the gift of giving.  I LOVE to find that perfect gift - or that little something that makes someone feel special.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the finances!  I can’t pay our bills.  My desire to give doesn’t leave.  My mom was asking how my day was and I told her I’m “SAD” and it’s because I have the “need to give” but can’t support myself.

SO, COME JOIN ME!  I would LOVE to make a stocking for the 15 men at my sober living home where I teach.  I will like to fill it with soap, shampoo, toothpaste, a can of soup, some chips, Bible chapter CD, etc.  I can get everything at the Dollar Store.  SO, any one that would like to join me by DONATING $15 I would LOVE IT!  That would add one item to the stockings.

I know at this time EVERYONE is looking for a donation and maybe you have already given to another wonderful charity, if so GREAT!  Tis the season to think of others.  If you were still looking for a way to give to others .. I’ll take your money  - LOL

Just let me know and we can figure out the best way to transfer the $15

This kind of goes with my last post - listen to God’s whisper and follow through - God whispers to me by placing a passion in my heart to help others smile and feel good about themselves!!!!! I can’t do it myself so I’m saying, I NEED HELP, and that in itself is lesson for me - to remember I can’t always do it all and it’s ok to ask for help!  Always learning!

I’ve had the “new” blood in me now for 4 days.  Somethings changed and some did not.

Things blood changed: I’m not getting the carnival dizzy spells.  I’m still light headed if I over-do or move too quickly - but the world isn’t spinning - THANK YOU JESUS!  I also feel that I’m a little warmer (not personality but body temp - lol).  Before, 4 blankets couldn’t get my “insides” warm and now I don’t always have blanket on.  Of course I never do when the heat flashes come.  So, maybe with the oxygen in this new blood, my blood is thicker and keeping me warmer.  Now, that doesn’t mean I should give up my new addiction of Hot Chocolate before bedtime.

Things blood did NOT change: My legs are still very weak.  I still use the walker for longer distance and balance.  My hands and knees down are completely numb and tingling - the sensation of waking up after being a sleep - and I have this 24/7.  I still tire easily.  Love those afternoon naps and early bedtime.  I was hoping that the new blood would just bring me straight back to “normal” but I’m learning to except and appreciate the positive changes and know that the other side effects will change in due time.

Other changes not blood associated:  I HAVE A 3 O’CLOCK SHADOW - you can see my hairline.  I’m not sure you’d call it “hair” - no anxiety of a “bad hair day” yet - but I do have a hairline and shadow on my head.  I’m not squeaky bald where you need sunglasses!

That’s really all the medical change going on here.  The spiritual change… I was reminded today by one of my Pastors that taught me for 15 years - Bill Hybills from Willow Creek - the importance of the God’s Whisper.  How many times do we say God doesn’t talk to us anymore - then we hear that “whisper” and ignore it?  I think I have done that a lot lately.

I have been living my own world - feeling I had “the right” since all I have been going through and I have ignored God’s whispers.  During these past months, God has whispered to me that I have to find more understanding for those who “don’t get what I’m going through”.  A couple people needed to “hide” during this because they couldn’t face the possibility of my death.  They needed to care from a distance or be silent.  They offered to be there but their busy lives got in the way.  Life happened - and I didn’t take time to understand that FOR THEM - I was too focused on ME - not a good place to be even if you are going through a rough time. (NOTE: God had me taken care of - 99.99% of you were able/willing to play an active role in my journey - but see how my “human heart” wasn’t able to have understanding for that small .01%)

God whispered to me today that I have to understand (or try) where everyone was coming from and LOVE THEM unconditionally and feel blessed with how they did handle the past months.  Lord knows, (literally), how many times I allowed my life to get in the way of helping or being there for others.  Lord knows, (literally), how many times I didn’t want to face someone else’s problem so I walked.  Lord knows, (literally), how many times I had great intentions but no follow up.  At my class I taught this week for some men in a sober living home I taught them that we can’t expect others to be “perfect” and ask them to accept us as “humans”.  I think that is what God is whispering to me today and I am choosing to hear it!!

This week, I want to see the needs and hurts of others - and stop being focused on my needs and hurts.  This week, I want to find the blessings that others give to me and THANK THEM - ENCOURAGE THEM to keep giving in the way they can.  This week, I want to live in the “Attitude of Gratitude”.  This week, I follow God’s whisper for my life - and I LOVE OTHERS the way HE LOVES ME!

I challenge you all to listen to God’s whisper this week and follow it!  It’s the season to take the leap of faith and give our “all” to GOD to do as HE pleases for HIS KINGDOM!

I love you all - and appreciate you all!