Once again I have a decision.. do I cry or laugh? Do I get angry or find blessings? Do I give up or lean on God for strength?

Here’s what happened.  We are baking and baking for a New Year’s Party we are going to at Keona’s best friend’s home (we consider their family “family”).  We are also making extras to take over for the guys to have something to enjoy at the rehab home.  So far we have made 3 pans of brownies, a couple ice cream pies, and 3 dozen cookies.

Well, the cookies were on a cooling rack and I wanted the kids to take them to the table to frost.  Keona was coming closer to me to get them and to me it didn’t seem like she was taking it seriously - I was afraid they’d drop.  So, I looked at her (sternly) and said, DO NOT DROP!

Just as the “Drop” came out of my mouth, my hand must have lost it’s grip - it’s not that I can feel anything.  I DROPPED ALL 3 DOZEN COOKIES! I burst into tears immediately.  It makes me SO MAD that I don’t have feeling or control of my feet and hands. I get angry that the chemo still lives on through these side effects.  The kids both consoled me - they were so gentle.  Plus, they reminded me of the 3 second rule and it wasn’t even 3 seconds  - lol.

I stopped crying - the cookies are being frosted (ok - if anyone is grossed out because they were on the floor for 2 seconds I apologize - the floor was washed today) - and now I have to figure out where do I go from here?  Should I stay mad or should I get over it????

It’s so human nature to find self pity - to look at the bad - to get mad.  I did all that in less than 2 seconds in reacting to the dropped cookies.  It got me no where - it doesn’t fix anything.  God is the only one that can fix the situation!  I need to look to Him (again) and know that He has it all planned out.  I need to live in confidence that His purpose for me is something that can still be done even with my limitations because He knew I’d have neuropathy.  He knows the lessons I need to learn that I keep saying I know but don’t live daily - like patience and living with an attitude of gratitude. He knows that living with neuropathy is definitely helping my “compassion” part of my heart grow.  He knows that my kids are seeing me weak and then turn to God - what better blessing.

Now it’s totally up to me - to give up and cry - or to move forward with peace and joy and my chin held high - still knowing that God has it all under control.  I would not be honest if I didn’t say I like the “cry and give up”.  It’s easier - it’s more natural for us humans - it’s comfortable instead of facing the future of the unknown.  However, I have 2 little kids and a husband that need me - so they say.  I do know that God is using me down here whether I have get feeling and usage back or not.  SO, my decision is to TRUST and move forward!  Again, that means daily (for me every second) letting go and let GOD.  I may not know what work I’ll be doing to pay the bills (my classes were cut and MK is hard but I’m trying)… I may drop or not even be able to do all the things I use to … but it doesn’t matter.  God will help me accept who I am today and I know He will work with me “As Is”.  God never said it would be easy - He just said He would walk each step with us.  He keeps His promise.

Do you have any decisions to make for the New Year?  Well, don’t just do what a “human” would do - do what God whispers to you to do - you’ll have an incredible 2009!

Happy NEW YEAR to all of you - I love and appreciate you all!

1. Thank you SO much for reminding us to look up. I think it’s healthy to have the “pity party” because my friend Laura always reminds me that God gave us feelings/emotions & He wants us to express them. But, we just can’t stay there. How frustrated you must be at times! Yet, you always remember to look UP & you remind us to do the same! Miss ya-

   Comment by Kari — January 5, 2009 @ 9:03 am

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