Thoughts of living through cancer
December 31st, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Posted By: donnab
Posted in: Post Lung Cancer

Once again I have a decision.. do I cry or laugh? Do I get angry or find blessings? Do I give up or lean on God for strength?

Here’s what happened.  We are baking and baking for a New Year’s Party we are going to at Keona’s best friend’s home (we consider their family “family”).  We are also making extras to take over for the guys to have something to enjoy at the rehab home.  So far we have made 3 pans of brownies, a couple ice cream pies, and 3 dozen cookies.

Well, the cookies were on a cooling rack and I wanted the kids to take them to the table to frost.  Keona was coming closer to me to get them and to me it didn’t seem like she was taking it seriously - I was afraid they’d drop.  So, I looked at her (sternly) and said, DO NOT DROP!

Just as the “Drop” came out of my mouth, my hand must have lost it’s grip - it’s not that I can feel anything.  I DROPPED ALL 3 DOZEN COOKIES! I burst into tears immediately.  It makes me SO MAD that I don’t have feeling or control of my feet and hands. I get angry that the chemo still lives on through these side effects.  The kids both consoled me - they were so gentle.  Plus, they reminded me of the 3 second rule and it wasn’t even 3 seconds  - lol.

I stopped crying - the cookies are being frosted (ok - if anyone is grossed out because they were on the floor for 2 seconds I apologize - the floor was washed today) - and now I have to figure out where do I go from here?  Should I stay mad or should I get over it????

It’s so human nature to find self pity - to look at the bad - to get mad.  I did all that in less than 2 seconds in reacting to the dropped cookies.  It got me no where - it doesn’t fix anything.  God is the only one that can fix the situation!  I need to look to Him (again) and know that He has it all planned out.  I need to live in confidence that His purpose for me is something that can still be done even with my limitations because He knew I’d have neuropathy.  He knows the lessons I need to learn that I keep saying I know but don’t live daily - like patience and living with an attitude of gratitude. He knows that living with neuropathy is definitely helping my “compassion” part of my heart grow.  He knows that my kids are seeing me weak and then turn to God - what better blessing.

Now it’s totally up to me - to give up and cry - or to move forward with peace and joy and my chin held high - still knowing that God has it all under control.  I would not be honest if I didn’t say I like the “cry and give up”.  It’s easier - it’s more natural for us humans - it’s comfortable instead of facing the future of the unknown.  However, I have 2 little kids and a husband that need me - so they say.  I do know that God is using me down here whether I have get feeling and usage back or not.  SO, my decision is to TRUST and move forward!  Again, that means daily (for me every second) letting go and let GOD.  I may not know what work I’ll be doing to pay the bills (my classes were cut and MK is hard but I’m trying)… I may drop or not even be able to do all the things I use to … but it doesn’t matter.  God will help me accept who I am today and I know He will work with me “As Is”.  God never said it would be easy - He just said He would walk each step with us.  He keeps His promise.

Do you have any decisions to make for the New Year?  Well, don’t just do what a “human” would do - do what God whispers to you to do - you’ll have an incredible 2009!

Happy NEW YEAR to all of you - I love and appreciate you all!




December 29th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Posted By: donnab
Posted in: Post Lung Cancer

Going to bed and getting up takes a lot from me mentally to prepare.  I love my bed - it’s a king and Lon chooses to work on business or personal stuff or falls asleep in his office I get it to myself.  I love my pillow - soft and molds with me. I love my PJs - again soft and warm.  I hate going and getting up because of my side effect from chemo.  The pins and needles HURT in my feet and hands.  The feeling of hopelessness when you wake to go potty and not sure if you can walk.  This article best describes what I’m going through…

PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY: WHAT IS IT?  Peripheral Neuropathy [pron. - new-rop-athy] is a generic phrase denoting functional disturbances and/or pathological changes in the peripheral nervous system.

If the involvement is in one nerve it is commonly referred to as mononeuropathy, in several nerves, mononeuritis multiplex and if diffuse and bilateral, polyneuropathy.

Peripheral Neuropathy is not a specific disease but rather a manifestation of many conditions that cause damage to the peripheral nerves. There are believed to be in excess of one hundred different causes of peripheral neuropathy.

Many of our subscribers are affected by what is known as a cryptogenic or idiopathic neuropathy, which simply means that they have been diagnosed as having a peripheral neuropathy but the underlying cause has yet to be determined. We also have an ever-increasing number of subscribers who are affected by neuropathies of known origin, such as diabetes mellitus, HIV, nutritional deficiency, and as a result of the neurotoxic effects of certain prescribed treatments and therapies.

The symptoms of peripheral neuropathy often affect the arms and legs. Common characteristics, depending on the type of neuropathy may include muscle weakness, chronic neuropathic pain (including - numbness, sensory disturbance, pins & needles, burning sensations etc.), and paralysis.

Additional complications reported by a significant number of our subscribers include amongst others; fatigue, memory retention deficit, mood swings, swallowing difficulty, acid reflux/generalised stomach complaints, and ataxia. Ataxia is a term used to describe a general lack of co-ordination, position sense and manual dexterity.

The symptoms of Peripheral Neuropathy often vary from person to person and can affect people to a lesser or greater degree. However, in some cases, the symptoms may tend to necessitate a change in lifestyle which not only can affect the person directly, but also may possibly have a knock on effect on the family.

One of the hardest things about coming to terms with peripheral neuropathy is not necessarily the disabling effect that it can cause. It is quite natural to experience –

Feelings of isolation – because the chance of meeting other people with a similar condition may appear remote.

Feelings of frustration – because you quite naturally want to know what is happening to your body. These feelings can be exacerbated if no definitive diagnosis has been reached.

Peripheral Neuropathy affects people in different ways. It is quite natural to think that you are on your own and you may find it difficult to explain to others what it feels like.

PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY: ASSOCAITED SYMPTOMS  Symptoms tend to vary depending upon the location and types of nerves affected. In most people the problems seem to commence with numbness, pain and/or weakness.

Paraesthesia, dysaesthesia and anaesthesia

If you experience spontaneous sensations such as tingling, pins and needles, electric shocks, burning or cold etc, these are called paraesthesia. For most people these sensations seem to be more troublesome during the night. Some neuropathies are painful and this can be quite severe. If you experience unusual sensations by touching or other stimulation this is known as dysaesthesia.

If you experience a lack of or diminished sensation, for example, if you are prone to burning yourself without realising that you have done so, this is called anaesthesia.

Diminished = Hypoaesthesia Absent = Anaesthesia

‘Glove and Stocking’ sensory loss

Many neuropathies give rise to loss of sensation in the hands, feet and lower legs, the distribution resembling gloves and stockings. This can cause manual dexterity problems or difficulty walking, as your sense of touch and feeling may be affected.

Weakness in the upper and lower limbs

If there is damage to the motor nerves this may cause weakness in the upper and lower limbs. You may find that you cannot lift your feet because of foot drop. You may find that your legs feel heavy and you fatigue very easily. You may find walking very difficult and may be prone to tripping. You may also find that you are not able to carry much because of weakness in your arms, and you may find yourself dropping things. All of these symptoms are common and it may mean that you get frustrated with yourself and others around you.

Loss of position sense

Another unusual feeling: it’s as though your brain knows where your feet should go but your feet have a mind of their own. You may become conscious about the way that you walk but can’t understand why it has altered. Without realising it you will probably re-educate the way that you walk, possibly widening your gait or throwing your leg. You may have difficulty keeping your balance especially in the dark and find that you have to look at the ground to compensate for the loss of position sense.

So, that’s why I hate going and getting up from bed!!!  I have no clue how long this will last - months or years - but in all honesty it’s very hard to deal with.  Please pray that I learn patience and I learn to over see the pain and see the joy of living each day!  I do know that I have a new bigger appreciation for those who have physical handicaps - it’s not always the physical that knocks us to our knees it’s the emotional and mental.  SO, it’s another LET GO AND LET GOD!

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December 26th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Posted By: donnab
Posted in: Post Lung Cancer

QUESTION: What hair grows back the quickest and thickest?

ANSWER: Eye brow hair that you’ll have to pluck

You have to find humor with cancer - but why is it that the hair that is coming back is the hair I don’t want and will eventually even pluck out - LOL

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