I’m sitting here crying like a baby.  I just put my parents on the Airport bus to go to LAX to go back to Chicago. I usually am sad when they leave but life picks up and all goes back to “normal”.  I’m not sure what “normal” looks like anymore.  A few months ago, my parents wanted to come to help me with my treatments and I dug my heels down deep.  I didn’t want them here. I didn’t want them to “see” me this way physically and just weak.  I didn’t want them to think I’m not strong or capable to handle whatever comes my way.  I didn’t want to “butt” heads with my dad - you see God didn’t hold back when he developed my dad and my “stubborn” quality.  I wanted them to be proud of me and for some strange reason I felt that if they saw that I can’t “do it all” they wouldn’t be and that would hurt me deeply.

Well, once again, does God know best or what!?!?!!?!!!!  If I can teach others any lesson that I have learn, it’s to TRUST GOD! He does KNOW BEST! The last 21 days with my parents were life changing for me - and I think for them as well.  I learned more about my parent’s love for me than I had learned in the other 46 years of my life.  I learned more about who my parents are inside and out.  I learned more about their hearts and compassion and such strong love for their children.  I learned more about our relationship and how deep it flows.  I have never felt so connected to my parents than I do sitting here at this very moment - even though I’ll be in sunny CA and they’ll be in freezing IL (trying to put that in because I think they need to get a CA Winter house - lol).  Our relationship will never be the same.  I thank God for these 21 days!

You see, I would NOT have made it without my parents.  It’s not a figure of speech but the truth.  When my muscles were weak and “distorted”, my mom spoon fed me like a baby - for a couple days.  When my muscles were too weak to hold a glass (even with both hands), my mom held the cup to my mouth and helped me drink.  When with a walker I still couldn’t get to the bathroom my parents were on both sides of me literally carrying me to go “potty”.  When my toes and fingers curled into a ball my parents uncurled them and massaged them.  When I went potty 12 times in one hour, my parents waited by the door.  Physically, I could NOT have made it without them.

During these 21 days I didn’t have to be a parent! I could sleep in and worry about my health.  My parents got up early every morning and made sure the kids ate, brushed teeth, had backpacks and got to school.  My parents learned their schedules and reminded them, drove them to and from, and spent time talking to them about their day and friends.  My parents were their parents and my children didn’t go without for those 21 days.  I didn’t have to worry about letting my kids down because of my health because my parents were perfecdt “stand ins”.  My son is wired a little differently and can be a challenge (more mentally).  My parents took time to listen and hear about Zavier’s brain and worked with him - challenged him with love - but didn’t push. They accepted him even with his little qwuirks.  Keona is a “tween” in Jr. High, need I say more.  She is going through the normal “I’m a princess and it’s all about me” phase and they loved her they way she was - brought her back to reality at times (thank you) - but again, accepted her in the stage she is going through.  As a mom, I could NOT have done this without you.

Can you imagine leaving the house to your family to take care of for 21 days - I can only imagine.  I didn’t have to do that - my parents took care of it all.  The cleaned, kept the fridge stocked, did lawn work, de-bug my patio and house, clean my back patio from a year of spider webs, washed the car and filled fluids, laundry, and more.  As the “lady of the house”, I could NOT have done this without you.

Stress - the doctor tells me I can’t have ANY stress!  Normal life brings stress but you add to that my health, and the fact that Lon’s business is doing well but has it’s up and downs and because of several down months we have creditors calling daily, stress is here.  My parent’s covered food and gas while they were here.  They covered Zav needing a new mouthpiece for his sax and Keona needing medicine for her dog.  They covered a few “unexpected” little bills.  They have set me up for gas and food for a while.  What they really did for me is to make me understand that my health is more important than my financial credit rating.  As I begin to get strength back, Lon has suggested that I try to work more hours to help cover some of our outstanding debt.  I definitly want to do what I can - but that will have to fall in the “non risk” to my health zone.  My credit rating can always be improved over my lifetime - I have to worry first about being healthy and having that “lifetime”.  I also know that my family will never be on the streets or without food, my parents will always take us in.  Being one to stress, I could NOT have done this without you.

Hope … when I had no hope and wanted to just throw in the towel during these past 21 days, my parents gave me hope.  They told me over and over again how proud they were of me.  They reminded me that I can be strong -  that I have a lot to live for - and that they would be there to help me.  They reminded me that I had the right to be angry and question why I have had 2 cancers in my lifetime, but they also reminded me not to live there but to live in the future being a mom and grandmom.  They gave me permission to be weak and they stayed strong.  They allow me to question my future and have those seconds of doubt or “what if” moments about the cancer coming back - but they showed me how I have to keep living daily and just make the most of each day even if God chooses for me to live a very long life.  When I lost perspective, they gave it back to me but first allowed me to have my “human thought”.  God showed me His strength and wisdom through my parents.  Mentally and emotionally, I would NOT have made it without my parents.

Now, they are on the road to head back to IL.  I don’t have them here and yes, I’m sad and crying and feel very alone.  I know though that these 21 days has changed my future.  Even with the miles, I will never feel separated from my parents - they are in my heart and my mind.  I feel their love. I hear my mom whispering, “we are so proud of you”.  I hear my dad telling me that he will take care of me and this time my insides don’t crawl because of feeling weak, my insides are warm because I have a daddy that WILL take care of his little girl forever.  I am SO LOVED!!!!! Mom and Dad, words can’t tell you how much I love you and appreciate you but I’m trying.  This blog is for you - to express to the world that I could not have done it without you! You went far above and beyond to love me and my family and to give of yourselves these past 21 days and I know for the future to come.  I hope my kids feel 1/2 as special as you made me feel.  I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!!

I still think a CA winter home sounds good though - LOL.

1. What an absolutely lovely & moving tribute. Thank you for sharing such a large piece of you with us. Personally, before I hit the road to Illinois to see family this Sunday, it really gave me cause to check my own perspective. It rang deep within my soul. It sounds like they absolutely gave you the best balance of everything. How wonderful! I know you wouldn’t wish a 2nd cancer diagnosis on anyone. But, gosh, what a beautiful gift God gave you through it—21 days with your parents. Miss you!

   Comment by Kari — November 12, 2008 @ 2:55 pm

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