The best way I can describe how I’m feeling this morning only you ladies with 2 or more children can relate to. It’s like childbirth.  You know the pain you are walking into and you are NOT looking forward to it - BUT - you know you’ll leave with a baby so it’s worth the pain.  I may not leave with a baby - but with God’s healing hand, I’ll be leaving with many years to watch my children grow and to hopefully see their babies some day.  So, as I get ready for Day 1 Cycle 6 - I am NOT looking forward to the sickness, but I am staying (TRYING and it doesn’t always work) focused on the years of life this chemo will give to me!

Still could use prayers!!!!!

Well, in 3 days I get to go start Cycle 6.  I have such mixed feelings about cycle 6.  On one hand, cycle 6 is a miracle cycle.  It is my LAST CYCLE OF CHEMO EVER IN MY LIFE (positive thinking). It is the cycle that will ensure that my cancer is GONE.  It is the light at the end of the tunnel shinning bright.  It’s the ending to a journey that stretched me and molded me, that taught me to allow all the Angels to give to me and just accept it and appreciate it, and brougth me closer to my Heavenely Daddy knowing only with Him could I walk this journey and finish it.

On the other side, cycle 6 is going to be my biggest challenge.  It’s going to be the darkest days of this journey.  It’s going to be the cycle that will push me towards the breaking point.  It’s going to be the cycle where I feel the sickest and weakest.  It’s going to be the cycle that I would LOVE to avoid. It’s the cycle that I know I am NOT ready for (my legs are still weak, my whole body tingles like you hit your funny bone, I still have that nasty taste and food sounds terrible, my blood counts are low, I’m cranky) - and have to pray that the God that has never let me down won’t start now.

Having said that, please don’t feel that my faith is shaken - on the contrary.  However, I have never professed to be anything but a human - not perfect in any means - and as a human don’t we always wonder if there is a time that God could fail us?  We can only base things from our own experiences and let’s face it, the humans we live with on this earth - as much as they love us and would never mean to let us done - they do! It’s hard to wrap our minds around that fact that God will NEVER FAIL us.  So yes, going into this cycle I know that God won’t fail me - but in my human mind there is that speck of worry.

So in 3 more days, I start cycle 6.  I know that with the hard parts of cycle 6 come the miracles.  I know that God WILL walk with me holding my hand.  I know that God has all the pieces together to make this the easiest for me that He can: my parents are here and what a HUGE gift that is, my freezer has more food in it than we can eat for weeks, my children’s activities are all covered, I have plenty of TP still (lol), and my “bowl” just in case I get sick is next to the bed.  God never promised easy, fun, or all pleasurable, He promised to have the puzzle pieces ready and to help me put the puzzle together with He and I side by side. He promised to have “All things work for His Glory”.  He promised not to give me more than I can handle (with Him helping me).  He promised to be my strength while I am weak.

I know that He will live up to ALL His promises!!!!  I also know (the truth comes out) that there will be moments I forget that He is God and I will feel that He is too far away.  This is where you all come in - please pray that when I am at my lowest, I still remember that God does NOT break promises - that I will continue to feel Him next to me - that even in my lowest moment when I want to throw in the towel - I can hear Him say, “I am your shepherd and I love and take care of my sheep”.  My dear friend Kari gave me a stuffed “sheep” to help me remember I am a “sheep”.  Praise God for giving me all of you friends - for we are to be there for each other - and I know I will get through cycle 6 with all of you praying for me! If during my second of doubt, you will have the faith for me!

NO, I’m NOT LOOKING forward to cycle 6 - but I know that there is a reason and I WILL make it through it and it will be used for God’s purpose.  Although my cycle 6 is SO FAR (I shouldn’t even compare) from the death Jesus had to endure for me, He is my example of knowing what the future is going to bring, asking God if there is another way, and then going forward to live out the journey God planned no matter the pain.  My pain won’t be anything like what Jesus went through - it’s a piece of cake compared - but I pray that I can obey, believe, and walk strong!

The pills are working.  I no longer feel like I have a brick stuck in my throat.  The lump has gone down in size. I’m very thankful!!