Ok, yes, unless you have gone through this you may think that I’ve totally lost it - that this is obsurd.  I can understand why it would come across that way - but if you have gone through chemo I think you’ll be able to relate.

I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT TOMORROW!!!  I can not find the words to tell you how excited I am about tomorrow being my LAST DAY OF CHEMO for my life (positive thinking).  I’m tired of toxins running through my veins.  I’m tried of the side effects and loosing time.  I’m tired of feeling like my life is passing me by and I’m just the by stander.  I want to live every day.  I want to feel “normal”.  I want to move pass this journey and have my future star me down.

At the same time, I am extrememly sad about tomorrow being my last day.  You see, we are a family at CBCC.  It’s not a sterile clinic where I’m just a number.  I’m a person that they have gotten to know and I’ve shared in their lives.  I know that Dianna’s daugther Sarah gets married in January and has already received 6 place setting of her china.  I know that Nancy is planning her wedding and has now bought 2 wedding dresses because she couldn’t decide.  I know that Kari’s daugther made the coolest invites for her wedding.  I know that Kim’s daughter has picked a “not so good” piece for her Oral Language contest but will be so disappointed if she doesn’t win.  I know that Veronica’s niece is getting so big and brings her so much joy.  I know that Mary and Tani have shared prayers and their faith with me and together the 3 of us has claimed God’s healing on my body.  We are not “staff” and “patient”, we are family.  I will still be able to visit and see them monthly when I get my port flushed - but I will MISS THEM (not the chemo).  I will miss my family - this is all I have known for 4 months.

The next phase of no chemo but still not feeling very well is hard.  I can’t just jump back to “normal”.  I have to watch my health and take time to let my body fully recover and rest.  I won’t be doing that with my “CBCC FAMILY” I’ll be doing that at home.  It’s almost a little scary and lonely feeling.

So, I’ve never been happier and sadier!!!!  Again, this isn’t something you may be able to understand if you aren’t a chemo survivor - but it’s just the way it is for me.

I’m feeling pretty good tonight - going to be early (now) - need to be rested for MY LAST DAY OF CHEMO and all the emotions it will bring.  Sure is kinda of cool that it’s on Halloween and CBCC closes early - all departments decorate from 4-10pm and the place is DECKED OUT - it’s such a BIG celebration and SO much fun - and of course I told them it’s not really for Halloween - they are doing it for my LAST DAY!!!!!!

1. Real before us, yet again. Thank you, Donna! I so wish I could be there to be with you for this very special, very emotional L-A-S-T day. Halloween 2008, one you’ll never forget.:) Kari

   Comment by Kari — October 31, 2008 @ 3:46 am

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