Ok, yes, unless you have gone through this you may think that I’ve totally lost it - that this is obsurd.  I can understand why it would come across that way - but if you have gone through chemo I think you’ll be able to relate.

I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT TOMORROW!!!  I can not find the words to tell you how excited I am about tomorrow being my LAST DAY OF CHEMO for my life (positive thinking).  I’m tired of toxins running through my veins.  I’m tried of the side effects and loosing time.  I’m tired of feeling like my life is passing me by and I’m just the by stander.  I want to live every day.  I want to feel “normal”.  I want to move pass this journey and have my future star me down.

At the same time, I am extrememly sad about tomorrow being my last day.  You see, we are a family at CBCC.  It’s not a sterile clinic where I’m just a number.  I’m a person that they have gotten to know and I’ve shared in their lives.  I know that Dianna’s daugther Sarah gets married in January and has already received 6 place setting of her china.  I know that Nancy is planning her wedding and has now bought 2 wedding dresses because she couldn’t decide.  I know that Kari’s daugther made the coolest invites for her wedding.  I know that Kim’s daughter has picked a “not so good” piece for her Oral Language contest but will be so disappointed if she doesn’t win.  I know that Veronica’s niece is getting so big and brings her so much joy.  I know that Mary and Tani have shared prayers and their faith with me and together the 3 of us has claimed God’s healing on my body.  We are not “staff” and “patient”, we are family.  I will still be able to visit and see them monthly when I get my port flushed - but I will MISS THEM (not the chemo).  I will miss my family - this is all I have known for 4 months.

The next phase of no chemo but still not feeling very well is hard.  I can’t just jump back to “normal”.  I have to watch my health and take time to let my body fully recover and rest.  I won’t be doing that with my “CBCC FAMILY” I’ll be doing that at home.  It’s almost a little scary and lonely feeling.

So, I’ve never been happier and sadier!!!!  Again, this isn’t something you may be able to understand if you aren’t a chemo survivor - but it’s just the way it is for me.

I’m feeling pretty good tonight - going to be early (now) - need to be rested for MY LAST DAY OF CHEMO and all the emotions it will bring.  Sure is kinda of cool that it’s on Halloween and CBCC closes early - all departments decorate from 4-10pm and the place is DECKED OUT - it’s such a BIG celebration and SO much fun - and of course I told them it’s not really for Halloween - they are doing it for my LAST DAY!!!!!!

Side effects are coming sooner than last cycle!  I have already started “dry heaves” and legs are weak.  I am picking up some more magnesium pills and the Dr. thinks that may help with my legs.  Oh well, it may be worse - to be expected - but it’s the LAST CYCLE!  I will rest and let my parents be the bus drivers and house organizers.  I’m off to bed!  Thanks for the prayers - they are needed for this cycle’s recovery.

Praise God! My red blood cells were still low (8.5) but since they had come up since last Wednesday, and my white cells were low but in normal range, I had my chemo today.  Once I was there I just wanted it over with so I was greatful that my counts allowed me to have treatment.

Day 1 usually isn’t too bad.  I was able to sit and talk with my parents and play cards and of course go “potty” every 30 minutes from the meds put in with my chemo.  It was a fun day - that is as much fun as you can have while hooked up to toxins.

It was also a touching day.  I knew this would be hard for my parents - to see their little girl “hooked up” - and it was - they got choked up.  Although I felt sorry for them feeling sorry for me, it always a nice feeling when you see your parents emotional.  First, it reminds me that even at my “old age” I’m still someone’s little girl.  It also reminds me of their incredible deep love for me, “My pain is their pain”.  Although I wish I could take this from them - the hardship of watching - I am blessed to have them here and hold my hand (literally).

OH YEAH … I saw the doctor and this IS MY LAST CYCLE!!!!!!!!!!  We are going to wait one month and then have both CT and PET scan, but there is no reason to not think this is my last CYCLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!  PRAISE GOD!!!!

Each day will be a little harder and then I go into hibernation, so, I’ll check in with you all as soon as I can!!

Thanks for your prayers, love, thoughs, and friendships. Donna