Have you ever been driving yourself to a dentist or doctors appointment and you were thinking, “What am I doing!” You were choosing to take yourself to an appointment that may lead to pain or discomfort. The drive seems long. The thoughts go crazy in her head… will he have to drill, will that mammogram really smash my breast flat, will the pain medicine be enough. The drive feels like the worse part. YOU are putting yourself into that place of the unknown – or the pain – or the “out of my comfort zone”. Sometimes the drive is more painful than the actual experience.

My father was a clever man. When it was time to “spank” us for something we choose to do and disobey, he had us walk to the basement and pick out which ping-pong paddle we wanted him to use. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I can remember my brother and myself walking to the basement, hiding, saying things like “I’m not picking out the weapon and carrying it to him”! IT WAS TORTURE. However, it also gave us a lot of time to think about why we had to pick out a paddle. We realized what we had done, we were sorry, and we knew our behavior had to change. By the time we got back upstairs and handed dad the paddle that we picked (always trying to find the one with the most cushion), I don’t ever remember dad using it!

This week is like that for me. I won’t hold back. This is the hardest 2 days, the Monday and Tuesday before chemo. During these 2 days, I have to “prepare” for 3 days of chemo and then 3-4 days of being bed ridden with pain, nausea, over heating, fogging brain, and not being able to “be wife or mom” to my family.

In the next 2 days, I will clean the house (not anything heavy just pick it up and make sure the bathrooms aren’t terrible), make sure everyone has clean socks and undies for a week, make sure there is food in the house for lunches (I thank God for all of you angels that have offered to make dinners), I’ll make sure my lessons are ready for me to teach next Tuesday since that’s not a good day but I’ll push to teach, and I get my bathroom ready with a “bowl” incase I loose my cookies, a stool next to the “white throne” since I’ll be visiting often and yet won’t have the strength to sit up. I’ll make sure that I have clean PJs to wear, gallons of fluids to drink and on and on. I’ll make sure I have lunches and thinks to make the time go faster for the 3-chemo days. I’ll make sure I have rides for Keona to all her Jr. High events. I will do a lot of preparing these 2 days. FOR WHAT! So I can go get chemo, and GET VERY SICK FOR DAYS!

My brain tells me I’m CRAZY! Why would I prepare and then DRIVE myself to go through this again. Why would I put myself into this position!!??! I won’t lie, sometimes I have told myself, “Why would I do this again instead of just letting go and going to HEAVEN… do I really choose CHEMO over HEAVEN!?!??! Now, when I say that, that is when Lon has a fit. He tells me I’m having CHEMO over HEAVEN for him and the kids! I’m doing this for MY FAMILY! They want me longer. He loves me and wants to grow old with me. The kids want me to see them go through high school, college, marriage, and kids. Zavier just had to write down his biggest dream for school. He wrote, “I want my mom to be alive to see my children”. I’m driving myself to CBCC, to go through the pain and misery, NOT for me but for MY FAMILY!

Then I have to think about Jesus. He spent YEARS preparing for a VERY PAINFUL DEATH! He always knew that it was God’s plan for him to be beaten, tortured, mocked, spit upon, laughed at, whipped, and then nails to pierce his hands and feet and hung up on a tree with a throne crown until his last breath but he first had to spend his earthly years preparing for that death.

He knew during his years of teaching and healing that he was on earth to prepare our hearts to acknowledge that he is the messiah or savior. He knew every day of his life, walking on this earth, that after he had everything ready as according to his Father’s will, it would end in his death!

There was a time he must have thought, “WHAT AM I DOING!” He asked his father if there was any other way, but if not, he was prepared. WHY? Jesus knew that it was NOT ABOUT HIM, it was about GOD’S FAMILY – US! It was the only way that WE can reach out and take God’s hand and accept His gift of salvation! It was the only way that God’s FAMILY can someday return home to heaven and live with Him. Jesus did it FOR US!

Ok, now I’m human and selfish. Even knowing that doesn’t make heading into chemo something I want to do, but it makes it SO CLEAR about what it means to sacrifice myself for my family. It means enduring what I must endure to have years to be Lon’s wife and Keona and Zavier’s mom. It means I may have to go through a little pain and discomfort (NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT MY SAVIOR DID FOR ME) to finish my role for this earth – the plan that God so carefully designed for me. It means believing that God understands what’s happening, He is walking through this with me, and He will give me the strength to endure.

Is there something in your life that you know God wants you to go through but you choose to “turn the car around”? Is there something out of your comfort zone that has been placed on your heart (a relationship that needs some work, a new job, a medical situation, a move, a way to serve others, giving up something) and you are holding back. I encourage you to be ready to prepare to go through a little “life change” that could be uncomfortable (even painful) if you know that it is in God’s plans. It may not be ABOUT YOU; it may be about SOMEONE ELSE, and God NEEDS YOU to be willing.

Sometimes in life something pops up. It hits us like a curve ball and we want answers. We want to ask the “why”, the “what for”, and the “does it have to be this way”? God never promised us that we could have all the answers. He did promise us that ALL THINGS would work for HIS and our good if we have faith. That is not always an easy task.

My dear friend Kari gave me a bracelet a while back that I cherish and wear daily. It has the verse 2 Cor. 5:7 which reads, “Walk by faith not by sight”. It reminds me that my job is to walk believing that my God will stand by His promises even when I don’t have the answers or I can’t see with my own eyes the “why”.

At the same time, sometimes God reveals more of Himself and His plans to us – kind as a gift – or maybe to help us with that faith. I never once asked “why me” when I got breast cancer almost 4 years ago. It was more why not me when I know so many women would be affected. I knew that God had a plan.

Well, just this week, God revealed more of his plan to me and I stand before Him in awe. It’s almost like God knows what He is doing – think of that – LOL. It’s like God has this 1000 piece puzzle that all the pieces fit together to make this incredible (sometimes challenging) life for me (and my family)where I can grow and be molded into the person He designed me to be.

Here’s what God has shown me this week. Keona LOVES Jr. High. It was scary the first day, and yes, we had to spend the week prior figuring out the first week’s outfits, but she was so excited. As a mom, Jr. High can be a scary place to allow your child to go – lol. The values are questioned by kids, the social activities start to shift to boy/girl, they have many teachers so you can’t really get to know all the adults that are making a big influence in their lives, and the worse part, they rather “hang with their friends” then spend time with mom. Now, we all make it through Jr. High but for a mom this can be a “nail biting” experience.

We have attended The Bridge Bible church now for almost 3 years. That is one of the BIGGEST BLESSINGS for our family. They have an INCREDIBLE Jr. High Program (thank you Pastor Jeff for believing in the importance of our children – and thank you Gary and Claudia for dedicating your lives to this age group- thank you Sandy and Lisa for leading All Star Praisers). They had socials all summer. They went away for an over night experience. They have All Star Praisers program which is where the Jr. High kids can join this group and be responsible for the music for the elementary program.

Keona connected this summer and she went to Jr. High School WITH her CHURCH FAMILY! She has kids from The Bridge Church in EVERY class. She has moral support, she has friends that are learning and living by the same values/morals, she has a “comfort zone”. She has friendships that she can count on. She has girl friends that she can be herself with. She has security. She has God showing her that He had this all planned out for her.

Now, the key is IF I DID NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER WE MAY HAVE NEVER GONE TO THE BRIDGE CHURCH! We had come from Illinois to California to help start a church. The Pastor of that church decided to take the church in a direction we were not comfortable with, and some promises were not fulfilled so we were in the mind set to change. We all know that comfort sometimes stops us from a change we know is right. When I got my breast cancer, I couldn’t physically get up and make it to the only service that was offered. I didn’t want the kids to go 6 months with no church, so we looked for a church close to the house with a later service. The Bridge is only a couple minutes from the house and has a 10:45 service. We went, we fell in love, and this week I’m taking a class to become a member. Lon will be doing sound so he’ll have to take a “make up class”.

My Breast Cancer gave us THE BRIDGE BIBLE CHURCH! The Bridge Bible church gave Keona (and Zavier) a place to learn, grow, and have a church family that will walk life with them. When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer who would have thought of the blessings it would bring to our families.

The 2^nd BIG BLESSING that Breast Cancer did is that it LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE. I watched a TV special about cancer and the statistics are the same in every study – 80% of the people with my kind of Lung Cancer die! Scary! There are no symptoms until it is too late. If I was not going in to have my yearly routine scans that found this lung cancer, I may have not caught it in time. Now, I do my treatments, and I live MANY more years celebrating life.

Now, I have Lung cancer. Having a 2^nd cancer in one lifetime would make you think you had the right to ask “WHY ME”. Instead, I am excited to see what blessings God has in store for me that will happen because of the Lung Cancer. Remember, God is a God of miracles, a God that has all the “i”s dotted and the “t”s crossed, a God that only wants the best for you. Don’t expect the minimum expect GREAT THINGS! God can blow you away with the puzzle of your life. You will be blessed more than you can imagine. You just need to walk in that faith and not by sight!!!!! Don’t let those curve balls get the best of you, remember that a trial shapes you and matures you and the sliver lining is that God is in control and He has a PERFECT plan for you life!

WELL, did you know that there may not be a “toliet paper tree”, but there are TOLIET PAPER ANGELS!  God’s hands and feet are working over time today.  My family - thanks you - appreciates you - and I will think about all of you angels every time I’m on the “white throne”.  Doesn’t that make you feel important! You can think to yourself, “WOW, Donna Borntreger thinks about me when she is going potty!” - LOL

My family loves you all!!!