Isn’t our mind a beautiful thing? It can truly take us anywhere and make us believe we are there. It doesn’t know any different. Last night my mind took me to the most incredible places!!

Around 2AM I woke up with the chills like you wouldn’t believe – no fever – but just shaking. My mind took me to the beach. I walked along the sandy beach and had the small sand grains squish through my toes. The sand was warm and felt so good. The sun was shinning so bright and the rays warmed my back. Just when the warmth got to a point of needing some relieve the tides washed in and the white foam from the waves sprayed my body. The people on the beach were laughing and you could hear the fun in the air. What a wonderful place for my mind to take me.

Around 4AM I woke up having some chest pains and feeling it hard to breath – not in a scary way – but just a way that I wished I could take a gulp of clean air. My mind took me to the Sequoias. I stood next to one of those large redwoods with my neck bent all the way back trying to see the top. The clouds looked like perfect white cotton balls. You could find images in their shapes. The air was crisp and clean. You could take a deep breath and just feel the air circulate the inside of your body. It gave you such a “cleansing” feeling. What a wonderful place for my mind to take me.

Around 6AM when I woke up again, my first thought is how I will regret being up all night. I had a moment of, “I really could do fine without this cancer journey.” I will be honest – having done this before – I know what lies ahead. Each cycle will be harder because of the build up of the chemo. There will be times – even with my strong faith – that I am on my hands and knees and I plead with God to take this away. So this morning, at 6AM, I was far from that point, but I was thinking no shots would be nice so I could sleep all night.

I feel back asleep and my mind took me to the greatest place ever – I went to heaven for a small peek. The first thing I saw was a golden tennis court with a Pepsi fountain – we have had that picture throughout childhood because that would be Dad’s heaven. I was taken to a dinning room that was filled with the most precious china. It was a dessert bar. Gram Sam had prepared choc. Chip cookies, her Tort cake, Mocha cake, Applesauce cake, etc. We sat and ate and ate and didn’t worry about calories for a second. Gram looked so incredible – no worry lines just laughter and peace. Then I went outside and saw the most incredible green open (no fence) meadow. Running towards me was Tasha, Sam, Kya, Roxanne, Pete, Henry, Mr. Bones and all the other pets of loved ones. They were all running and playing. There was no fear of them getting along – they loved each other (and for Kya and Roxanne that would be a huge thing). Then, the brightest light I had ever seen shown directly in my face. It was so bright it blinded me for a second. I heard this deep loving reassuring voice say, “Welcome Donna, I have been waiting for you!” My Heavenly Daddy sat down and extended His knee for me to sit upon. I did and the peace and love just spread through every cell of my body. He looked into my face and told me that there would be no more pain or sickness – no more chemo or radiation – no more tears. I was truly starting to understand and see that heaven is a reality – and that forever is not just a saying. I had gone home for “eternity”. What a wonderful place for my mind to take me.

When I woke up, I wasn’t in heaven. I’m still down here fighting Lung Cancer. I still have 5 more cycles in front of me to face. What my mind did for me is to allow me to have a better feel for “eternity” to put into perspective what 5 months on this earth is – it’s doable! It’s just a second of time compared to eternity. God is here to help me get through this so that His purpose for my life is complete before He takes me HOME. If I stay strong (by leaning on Him and others) I will go to Heaven, sit on my Daddy’s knee and hear “Donna, Job well done!” That’s what I want. So yes, I’m tried, I feel like a truck hit me, I have the “Semi truck” still on its way to run into me in a couple weeks/months, but my mind is ready! I know the truth. God is walking this with me, and when I have completed my tasks, I will live ETERNITY in Heaven, and heaven is a very amazing place. When you need a reality check, allow your mind to take you to Heaven, even for just a few minutes.

Side note: My very profound 10-year-old son came up with this… When people have something really good happen to them they say, “Now, this is life”. So, they have “life” and “after-life”. As a Christian, nothing will be better than Heaven, so Christians do NOT have “life” and “after life”, we have “PRE-LIFE” and “LIFE”!!! Very profound – I’m just living my “pre-life” on this earth – I have my whole “LIFE” to look forward too! Thanks Zavier for your wisdom!!!!

GOD IS GOOD! After filling out normal paper, extra papers, and several phone calls, I was approved for assistance for my expensive $100 a pill anti-nausea meds. They will cover all the pills needed for the next 5 cycles. That is a $1500 gift from God!!! PRAISE GOD for taking care of our needs.

On the not so good news, I just got my blood results back, and my white cells are dangerously low and not climbing quick enough. In order for me to have my next cycle of chemo, I have to get them up. To do that, it takes a daily shot starting today. My friend just went through a week of this shot and she had flu symptoms and a fever. Again, this is just a little setback – one that is manageable – just one that may put a little damper on my one “normal feeling” week before treatment. I am blessed though that I can get the shots because it would be far worse to have to postpone my chemo treatments. God is on top of this too – all will be just fine.

I just got home from  my first shot.  I had to go through an “education” first.  I can take Tylenol for the fever, Extra Strength Tylenol for the bone pain, Benadryl if the injection spot gets red or puffy, and I have a whole list of foods I can eat and can’t eat.  I’m scheduled to have this shot the next 6 days.  This too will be fun - a little sarcasm.

Even with the not so fun, God provides a smile if you look for it! I had over 5 nurses come to me to see how I was doing - how the weeks were going etc.  If I have to go through all this medical stuff, what a blessing that God has us here - in Bakersfield - at CBCC - where we all are a family - and you truly feel loved and cared for.  There is always a blessing (or two or more) behind every “not so good thing” .. you just have to look for them and appreciate them - God never lets me down!

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 pieces of hair I counted on my hand after shampooing. How many pieces of hair do you normally use a day when you shampoo? I don’t have an answer for me and I wish I did. I know that I loose a few pieces every day. Was the 8 pieces more than normal? Less? Average? Obviously, the big reason I would love that answer is because with this chemo I have been told I “may” loose my hair – most likely – but I was just given a “may”. With the chemo I had for breast cancer 3 years ago, there wasn’t a “may” it was a “for sure”. Now, I’m not dreading being bald (there are some very good things about being bald in Bakersfield’s 3 digit summers) – it’s just the unknown – will it or won’t it fall out?!?!

Well, just like last time, this question about how many hairs fall out daily – normally – or from chemo – instantly takes me to Matthew 10:30 (Message), “He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail–even numbering the hairs on your head!”

WOW – HOW AMAZING IS THAT ONE SENTENCE! He, GOD (the CREATOR of the universe, the Alpha and Omega, our Provider, Infinite, Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Holy, Almighty, Love, Grace etc. etc.) knows how many hairs are currently – at this very second – on my head. The kid in me almost wants to pluck out a piece of hair out and look up to the sky and say, “Did you get that one”? Seriously, don’t you!! Can your brain really grasp that at ever second your GOD – your HEAVENLY DADDY – knows how many hairs you have! I can see a commercial, “Can you tell me now?”

I find 2 HUGE lessons (or ideas for me to ponder) for this verse – ok 3. The first lesson, is wow, I have a very small brain since I can’t even grasp that someone would know me well enough to know OR CARE how many hairs I have on my head. The 2^nd lesson is God has such an intimate relationship with me – He knows how many hairs I have – how intimate do I know Him? The 3^rd lesson or question is this, if God knows me that well, why do I still think I can hide things from Him, or I shouldn’t go to Him with some of my thoughts or feelings or desires because they are “too insignificant” for a big God?

Seriously, we mess up our lives so often, take the “hard road” so often, skip the valuable lessons so often, because we are so wrapped up in not allowing ourselves to understand how much God loves us and knows us and wants to do for us! We start thinking for God. “Oh, He’s too busy to worry about my finances even though we have no food and only have $10 to my name”. “God is too busy to worry about my job, health, friendship, marriage, kids etc.”. “God gave me the brains to figure this out so I won’t bother Him.” “God has world peace to worry about so how can I bring up this small matter to Him.” Aren’t we all a little too big for our britches to be deciding FOR GOD what He cares about or not?!?!

REALLY. This hits me like a ton of bricks! This is like 100 light bulbs were just turned on. WHO DO I THINK I AM THAT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO THINK FOR GOD?!?!?! The statement of this verse, “He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail–even numbering the hairs on your head!” would suggest the OPPOSITE! God’s intent is to be so involved, so intimate, that you could never ask Him, “how many” and He would not be able to answer with the correct number!!!!

Ok … I have to admit… I don’t always treat my relationship with God like I have that information. I don’t approach God knowing how intimate of a relationship we have. I don’t approach God with the intent of giving my “all” not because I can gain but because that is HIS DESIRE. I don’t always approach God with the same desire to know EVERYTHING about Him. Would you ever have thought that such an almost funny verse “He knows how many hairs” could take us back like this – make us do some serious heart and life checks.

This blog could go on and on because this is SO powerful. I think though instead of just rambling on, I need to take a quiet time and talk to my Heavenly Daddy with the respect that He deserves – He loves me enough to know how many hairs I have!!! Then, since He did create my humor, and me, I just may have to pluck a hair or two and play the “And now game” to give Him a good laugh! REMEMBER WHO YOUR GOD IS NEXT TIME YOU TALK WITH HIM!