You’d think that life would look so good to me right now - that my Spirits would be flying high. Chemo is over and I’m back to life.

I don’t know if it’s because the chemo drugs and whatever other drugs they had me on are leaving my body, or if it’s because they are tapping out all hormones from my body, but uplifted is not how I feel! I am so depressed that I feel like for the past week I’ve been doing everything possible from allowing the dam to break and the tears to begin - they’d take over.

At my support group, I was eaves dropping - not nice, but glad I did - and I heard a lady tell a girl that is just starting this journey that it is ok to be depressed, but your doctors can help you. She went on to say that she is a 3-year survivor and still on anti-depressants. She has never come back to an emotional level place. I wonder when I will be.

You see, life is great! Lon and I have never been closer - although a nice get-a-way could get us even closer His business is really booming! The kids are incredible - they do their own thing and are enjoying the summer. Zav just finished his first baseball league. Keona went to church camp last week and had the time of her life. I organized and ran a VBS for low-income housing - tough tough neighborhood. I got to see God peaking through their hearts as they went from a tough street kid to a glimpse of a child. My business has great potential as I am viewing myself more as a businesswoman and spreading the message to the world about what I can offer. My family is going to Illinois for my Gram’s 100th birthday party in a couple weeks. Life is good!

Any yet, you ask, “why the tears?” I know that there are other things that play on my emotions. Because chemo is done, life goes back to normal - but it will never be normal again. Before, I would get visions of a cancer cell popping up. It was no big deal, I would have another chemo in a week and so and it would be killed. Now, you wonder if cancer is creeping in. My blood etc shows I’m cancer free - but that worry of it coming back - that won’t ever leave. My body isn’t hurting anymore - I’m not taking pain pills, but I ache like my muscles are 90 years old. It’s hard to start in the mornings and I don’t have ½ the energy I use to have. I am suppose to use my arm normally and yet try not to scratch it, cut it, hurt it, carry anything too heavy or I can get Lymphedema. Once you have it, it doesn’t go away - you can manage it - but it’s hear to stay. So, use your arm but watch everything you do with it. The doorbell rings and I have to immediately check to see if I have on my spare boob and hair, if not, I run crazy to get it before answering the door. The boob issue isn’t so bad in the winter with baggier clothes, but in the summer it’s a little obvious when you are missing a boob!

Life isn’t normal and never will be. This life is my “new” normal life. One I have to get use to, accept and move on with. I will do that with God’s continual grace, strength and courage, but it’s not easy. So, in the meantime, my body does the best it can with the changes - my mind tries to stay focused on positive and future outlook - and the tears build behind my eyes!

So, if I don’t seem as bubbly as I should, or I seem a little “off” - well, I am! Just love me in this stage of my life and let’s hope each day gets brighter for me! I know it will with my heavenly Daddy on my side - He just has to carry me a little longer!

1. I understand. I pray that time will bring the comfort you need.

   “Seize the Day!”

   Love and prayers,

   Nina

   Comment by Nina Winger — July 18, 2005 @ 9:44 am

2. I understand how you feel. I pray that time brings you the comfort you need.

   Love and prayers,

   Nina

   Comment by Nina Winger — July 18, 2005 @ 9:46 am

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