Every Monday the “Monday Club” meets at the injection room at CBCC. We all are going through chemo and/or radiation and on Monday we get our shots. The three of us, Alice, Sharon, and myself find ourselves sitting next to each other and talking. So, I have decided that we need to start bringing “snacks” - I mean doesn’t a club have to have snacks?

Anyway, besides all of the cancer stuff we have in common, we also have Christ in common - for all of us our believers. That is the coolest thing about our club. I had heard both of them mention prayer, but let’s face it, once you hear you have cancer almost everyone starts to pray! Today’s conversation went deeper and ended in tears and hugs. Alice (probably in her 60s) told us that she had finished her radiation and chemo BUT they just found cancer in her stomach, liver and lymph nodes. She was trying to hold back the tears. She said that everyone asks her why she can still smile. Her answer, “I know where I’m going!” Sharon and I hugged her and said we did too!

You know, we continued to have a conversation that many would find strange. We talked about the beauty of dying - the gift of dying - because we knew that we would be living eternity in heaven. We all agreed that if it wasn’t about family still here, we might not worry about chemo and radiation, but tell our heavenly Daddy we are ready. We have nothing to fear. We don’t need or want to hold on to this earth. We know that our destiny - heaven - is where we want to be!

You could tell that some of the nurses and other patients were looking pretty strangely at us. They saw 3 women - all with cancer - and a potential early death - and we were joking about “How about today God - good for you!” We were not in tears about dying, just the opposite. We were laughing and cheering because we know that we will die to this earth but our souls will be in heaven with our Creator forever. Is there any better way to live than to be excited about your death?

So, the “Monday Club” members got their shots and walked each other out to the cars. As we parted, we looked at each other with a “See you next week - if you are here!” No one knows when his or her time is up. Cancer can get you… a drunk driver… a heart attack or whatever. Your time on earth will come to an end. So, where are you going to go when you die? If you know where you going - like us in the “Monday Club” then you can live happy and carefree and without worry or fear. We enjoy life… Because we know our death is only going to bring us to heaven! Heavenly Daddy - you say when and we’re there!

Sometimes, I feel trapped by the chemo. I feel like it surrounds me and I can’t get away. It feels all consuming. The smells are everywhere. I can smell the room where the poison drips into my veins - and I instantly feel like throwing up. I can smell the drugs in my bathroom every time I go in there to wash my hands or use the potty. I can smell the smells on my pillow. I have every window opened (praise God He moved me to CA) and yet the smells linger in the house. I don’t think anyone else can smell them - but I can!

I can taste the chemo. Every time I try to eat something or drink something, it’s there. I must clean my tongue hundreds of times a day trying to get the taste/feeling off my tongue. I want food to taste the way my taste buds remembers it tasting - but nothing I do can make that happen. The food isn’t spoiled - the kids and Lon enjoy eating it - but it tastes so horrible to me!

I feel the chemo. My body aches. My temperature is slightly elevated and it makes me sleep 10 hours straight. My right side is still totally numb under by “deformed” arm. My right chest feels tight and like there is a board feeling where my boob should be. My hair - yes, my little tiny stubbles hurt. They are falling out. My skin is dry and looks years older in just 3 months. I am not the same looking person on the outside - maybe never will be.

The chemo is everywhere - I can’t hide from it - I can’t change it - it has taken over! It’s in my face yelling, “I’m here and I am more powerful than you!” Sometimes, I feel that way - that I can’t stand up against the chemo.

What else does that remind me of in my life???? YES, SIN! Sin is all around me - consuming my thoughts and actions - in my smells, sights, tastes, etc. It’s in every room of my house. It’s in the house or outdoors. It’s got power! Sin sometimes becomes like chemo where we figure we just have to get use to - learn to live with it - it’s not going any place. We feel too weak to deal, fight, or, on a worse scenario, we become use to it and forget to notice that it’s taking over our lives.

We are suppose to ask God to forgive us when we “sin” or “do something we know wasn’t the right thing to do”. How embarrassing when I go to pray and can’t think of a sin for the day. I KNOW I have sinned! I just have gotten so desensitized I can’t think of what it was. I don’t see, hear, or feel the sins anymore. They have become a part of my daily life. I can’t imagine that this will ever be the case with my chemo side effects - I won’t EVER become so accustom to them that I’ll forget that they are there. I pray that my sin becomes more real to me - like my chemo - so that I am aware of them and then I can change. My soul desire is to live the life my heavenly Daddy wants me to live - to do that - I must see the sin that He sees - I must ask forgiveness - and I must change. I must NOT become use to it! We sing a song at church that I love - couldn’t tell you all the words (I can sing a song 100 times and not know the words), but it asks God to have our heart hurt for what His heart hurts for! That’s my prayer.

SO… whether it’s chemo side effects or sin… we are not powerless… we don’t have to “get use to it”? and we have a heavenly Daddy that will help us see His way! Neither chemo nor sin will get a hold of me!