They are everything I have been told … HOT, ITCHY, and UNCOMFORTABLE! HOWEVER, let me tell you the fun part of having a wig! I’m washing my “hair” right now while getting work done!! What more can a busy mom/wife/business owner want… to be able to multi-task while one of those tasks is shampooing your hair
Now, for the big question of the day… does one use soap or shampoo on the few very short stubbles of hair that’s left on top of the head????? I have that question every morning You would think that shampoo is still needed - but there are so few stubbles left that maybe body soap is ok. Let’s take a poll? tell me what you think!?!?

I had my blood work done today. My white cell count was low again. It was the same trend as last treatment. So, instead of my body loosing white cells at the typical 7-10 days, I seem to be at my low at day 14. Oh well. Now we know it and schedule life accordingly. When my white cells are low, that means my immune system is in jeopardy. I need to be very careful not to catch anything so my body doesn’t have to fight it. I’m thinking that I may not be able to go to church that Sunday - or just sit in the back row. I seem to always have a scratchy throat on the following Monday.

I had my Procrit shot to help boost my red cells - they didn’t look all that bad today. This shot is supposed to help boost my energy level. It’s funny. I don’t feel tired, but there are times I tell my legs to walk across the room to get something or do something, and my legs DON’T MOVE! It’s a very weird feeling. I feel ok, my brain is telling my legs what to do, but my legs are being stubborn and say “no”. Someone asked me if I ever feel “normal” in between the treatments, I would have to say “no”. There is always that fatigue hiding in the background. I can’t accomplish as much as I am use to and that is hard for me!!!

So, today, I unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it, did just a tiny bit of Creative Memories paperwork, washed my “hair” and went to Costco for our monthly supply of meat. That’s a wrap for today - so much less than normal - but I’m SO APPRECIATIVE that God is letting me accomplish what really needs to be done!

Today is just a day to rejoice for what I do have! It certainly helps when the weather is sunny and in the low 70s (had to throw that in for my Illinois readers). I have a family that is helping me with the house. I have friends that offer to help with the kids etc. I have SO MANY PRAYER supporters. I have a cancer center that treats me like I’m the only one in Bakersfield with cancer, and I have my heavenly Daddy by my side at all times. I am blessed!! I think a GREAT activity for all of us - everyday - is tell someone all of the blessings God gave you that day. If all of us focus on the positive wouldn’t that start to change our world! What would it be like to live in a totally positive world? I am game to find out!!!

As a girl, we are taught to want all eyes on us. First, you are the cutest little toddler in that frilly Easter dress and bonnet or beautiful velvet red dress for Christmas pictures. Then you grow up and during elementary ages, you learn fashion. You want to start exploring with nail polish and eye shadow. You know that the world sees a “beautifu” girl as one all made up - just like those teenagers that you start to idolize. Then in high school you have cheerleading. You want every boy to know that you have been selected to be one of the most popular girls that gets to wave her little thin body in front of you wearing a little short short skirt. Also, you have the formal dances! You go shopping over and over waiting for that perfect dress to pop out at you. A dress that is not “distasteful” and yet screams, “look at me - I’m all grown up!”

As women, we come to our senses… or do we? We still care what others think. Some of us care more than others. Unfortunately, I am one that has always cared. I guess I have always had insecurity about my looks. My parents always told me I’m cute or pretty. My husband tells me that ALL THE TIME for 10 years. However, those words bounce off of me because “he loves me”. I appreciate their words - but they don’t sink down deep.

So, I don’t leave the house - no, not for any reason - without make up on and a nice put together outfit. If any eyes look at me - I don’t want them to be looking at me out of despair. Well, tonight, I HAD ALL EYES ON ME! It was a very hard reality check night for me. As hundreds have told me wigs are hot and scratchy. I don’t like wearing them more than I have to. I had a church project this morning so I just wore a scarf covering my bald head - ok, it’s not 100% bald, Lon would want me to say - I still have some small patches of black whiskers on top. The scarf looks ok, doesn’t scratch, and it’s as hot. It has become my “cover up” of choice.

Tonight, I needed to go to the grocery store for just a couple things - yes, Lon needed a few more ingredients to make cheesecake. I wouldn’t have gone for just normal food - but Lon’s cheesecake - that I’ll make a trip for. Anyway, I wasn’t in the mood to go “find my hair” so I decided to be brave and go to the store wearing my scarf. I knew that I might have some people’s eyes on me - and not because I looked my best.

I walked into the grocery store and the first lady who saw me simply turned her head as fast as possible. In the next aisle, I passed a gentleman that stared. He almost couldn’t take his eyes away from me. The next aisle, there were 3 teenage girls. They looked at me like I was an alien and moved closer to the shelving letting me pass. Gentleman after gentleman - lady after lady - child after child - had to “look” at me and my scarf. It sure made me feel uncomfortable. I tried thinking what was going inside of their minds… “Oh, she’s sick”… “Oh no, she’s on chemo, I wonder what for”… “I wonder how sick she is - will she die”, etc. Haven’t you caught yourself asking those questions when you see a lady with her entire head covered up - and NO HAIR is showing?

First, it was a reality check for me. Yes, I have cancer and I won’t be able to cover that up for the next year. I don’t have hair - I have whiskers. I felt awkward. I felt very insecure. I felt judged. WOW, how can others do that to me!

The lesson for today, don’t we always judge by the outer appearance - even when we don’t want to be judged that way? I confess that of course I do - not meaning to - but it’s my nature. I look at a person and in seconds I get my “first impression”. Do they have clothes from this decade? Are their bodies clean and groomed? Do they accessorize? Do they look like they are educated and successful by their wardrobe choices? We judge someone in just seconds. Those judgments can last a lifetime!

Now, the fact that those people judged me by coming to the conclusion that I may be going through chemo is no biggie because I AM! I did wish I had the opportunity to tell each one of them that I am living through the chemo and feeling very blessed because my heavenly Daddy is taking such wonderful care of me. I wanted to explain that no one has to feel sorry for me - my Daddy has this under control. So although it was awkward and I didn’t like all of the “looks”, I am proud to say that this summer, I will be wearing scarves a whole lot more than wigs!

A funny but true story, I told Zavier my 7 year old once that he needs to judge by the heart not outer appearance - just like we are not to judge a book by the cover. He replied without a hesitation… “Mom, we all judge a book by the cover! If we don’t think the cover is interesting, we don’t pick the book from the library to read!” What’s the saying, “out of the mouths of babes”? WE DO JUDGE BY THE OUTER APPERANCE!

I need to change how I get my “first impressions”. I don’t want to judge people by their outward appearance. I want to keep my opinions clear until I have met the person’s heart. You know, I do know ONE PERSON that does this every time He meets someone. You know it; it’s my heavenly Daddy. My Daddy loves the way we all look - He created us to look exactly how we do. He took the time to make each one of us in His image with special and unique features. So, His first impression is not about our outward appearance. He is first impression is what we have done with our “free will” regarding our heart! Do we love? Do we try to follow His plans for our lives? Are we giving back to others in authentic community? Do we look past the outside and look at other’s hearts? Those are the kinds of things my Daddy is asking Himself.

If my goal is to be more like my Daddy, then I have to change in this area! I have to first take time for people - to get to know them. I need to not just hear people when they talk to me but listen to them. I have to understand their heart. I have to try to see their needs. Then, I need to love them no matter what the inside looks likes. If their insides are lined with God’s purpose for us, my first impression should lead to getting to know them better. If their insides are not lined with God’s purpose for us, my first impression should be to get to know them. You see, no matter what place I find their heart, they are my Daddy’s special children. If their heart is right, we can team up to do God’s work. If their heart is in the wrong place, my Daddy may need to work through me!

So, the question is how do we judge a person? The lesson is to look at the inside and love no matter what! The action, I need to work on this area. If you do too - feel free to start tomorrow with me!!

Have you ever had one of those days where your trust in God feels shaken? You feel terrible about it - you don’t want to not trust - but it’s just a hard day. That’s how I’m feeling today. Just a week ago our church gave out “Certificates” to its leaders - fun ones - and I got the “Most likely to TRUST God”. If they saw my heart today, they may want to take it back.

Two days ago, Lon got a job! Finally, it came after 2 years. The downside - it only pays $7.55 an hour - not close to the $30 and hour we are use to. I was SO happy though because it will be a fixed income that will almost cover our whole mortgage. YEAH! Today, I look at our finances and wonder why I’m not packing already. We are paying $1000 a month on credit card interest. If we could get a Home Equity loan that would go down to $500 a month - but how do you prove income when the income comes from God. God doesn’t provide documentation! My first chemo bill came. Insurance pays $1000 and each treatment is $4800. I have a case worker that is trying to work something with my insurance, but if not, we can’t float.

So on the surface, it looks like with all of our trust and faith and effort, my family may still be on the streets - no, not the streets but a mobile home (which isn’t life or death). Lon asked me this morning, “What does God want us to do - we’ll do it.” I guess that’s my question too… “God, what do you want us to do?”

Then I get angry with myself. If I didn’t have cancer (like I asked for it), this wouldn’t be so bad. We wouldn’t have the medical bills and I would be able to work full time (now that I’m not babysitting Kaci). I could pull my share - I could be an asset instead of a liability. Instead of working, with my low blood cell counts, I lay on the couch and am happy if I clean one room or do a little Creative Memories paperwork. WOW, don’t I accomplish a lot. So, I hate this cancer! I hate feeling so tired. I hate feeling nauseous. I hate having this metal taste that makes me not want to eat or drink. I hate having to run to the bathroom to find a hat or “hair” if the doorbell rings.

As I start to scream to God, and yes, I do let Him see my anger, I fall and cry to Him. “Daddy, I don’t know what to do! Daddy, I don’t know if you are asking me to change and I’m not seeing it. Daddy, do you want my family to live in a mobile home? Daddy, why do we need to go down to an even lower pit? Daddy, show me the way!”

My heavenly Daddy shows me once again that He is right here. No, it doesn’t rain $100 dollar bills, but I can feel His arms around me. I can hear the small whisper saying, “Don’t give up on me!” I know that God will take care of my family. I know that He is never more than a step from my side. I know that if He wasn’t watching out for my family, we’d be eating at the soup kitchen a long time ago. I know that when I reach heaven - a land of no bills or sickness - my Daddy will say, “I’m proud of you for not giving up!”

So, I had my day of anger and lack of trust. The great thing, God allows that! Look at the Old and New Testament and you’ll see that God still loves you when you show human emotions. Now, I have the choice to stay there or once again pick myself up and remember that in my weakness HE IS STRONG! I choose to “get over it” and hold on to my TRUST even harder than before! It’s so NOT easy - but it’s so WORTH IT! I can’t handle all of these burdens on my shoulders - they can’t carry them. God’s shoulders can! So, as with you all as my accountability supporters, I give this anger and non-trust day to God, ask Him to forgive me for wavering, and ask Him for His strength and comfort.

The passage from Habakkuk 3:17-19 has kept me going for over a year now. The commentary is what hits my heart hard. I hold on to it today… When nothing makes sense, and when troubles seem more than you can bear, remember that God gives strength. Take your eyes off your difficulties and look to God. God will give his followers surefooted confidence through difficult times!

I am looking straight to my Daddy with confidence that “this time will pass”. Whether my family ever feels financial security on earth it doesn’t matter - we have security for ETERNAL LIFE! My husband, our children, and myself will enjoy “forever” with our Daddy! This “moment” on earth may be terrible - but it’s only a moment! So, here’s to TRUST and FAITH in our Daddy! He will NEVER let us down!!