A couple of you have asked for me to blog - so here it goes. Today, I went to the doctors at 8:30 this morning for my blood to be drawn and for a Procrit shot. This shot is to help my red blood cells bounce back to normal faster - giving me more energy. I certainly don’t mind a little boost! I’m feeling far better than I thought I would as I start week 2. I thank God for that. I’m tired and resting in between house chores, but I am getting more and more done each day.

I was catching up on my biblestudy lessons for tonight. Yes, I had let myself fall a little behind. I’m doing Experiencing God with a friend. This will be my 4th time doing this workbook - obviously, I recommend it to all of you. Anyway, in the first chapters, we are learning that it has to be GOD FIRST, NOT ME FIRST! God is working and we need to listen to what project He wants our help. How self-centered it would be for us to think that we can go to God and say, “Hey listen God, I’m in the mood - or I think I have the gifts needed for this project. So, that’s what I’ll be doing. Feel free to bless my work!” It’s not about what WE want to do! How many times do we look around the community or our own church and read up on all the openings. Then we find the one “we want” to do and we feel very proud of ourselves.

GOD FIRST appears to be the theme that God is showing me through His scripture, our church service, and when I listen to the Holy Spirit. I am amazed how many people are “letting me off the hook” because I have cancer. It’s all right to think about me. It’s all right to be angry with God for letting me have cancer. It’s all right for me to ask the big question “why me?”. You know, I have never asked that question! I have never allowed myself to think because I’m going through some rough (or rougher waters) that I have the right to slide and put ME first. No, its got to remain God first NO MATTER WHAT.

Let me try to explain why I have such peace with that! God begins His work and then asks us to join Him. He takes us as we are and uses us for His good. Take Moses for example. God wanted Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses’ first reaction is “I can’t do that.” Moses thought of all of his excuses: not the leader type, not a good speaker, etc. God didn’t change Moses - He used Moses the way He created him. God created us with the purpose to be His servants - so even in our weakness or deficiencies, we are perfect for the assignment He has for us! So, that gives me peace that in my weakness from chemo treatments - or my weakness because God only has revealed the first step of His work for me - I am good just the way I am. I just have to give my all for God. If I can make something from my bad situation - isn’t that incredible! Do I want to go through chemo with the “me” attitude of this is a waste and unfair situation? I would prefer to go through this with an “even in this condition, I’m special enough for God to use me in a special way” attitude! With that attitude, I can feel so special inside - that God knows that through this darker time in my life. I am the perfect person for one of His jobs!

Secondly, God sometimes needs us to go through some “deep water” first to create our personality and character to be strong enough or to learn some “tweaking” lessons so that we can do BIGGER and more INCREDIBLE things for Him. David had to wait to get the throne and Abraham had to wait for his son. If God feels that I have to take sometime to learn valuable lessons by having to go through his cancer - just think of what HUGE and AMAZING plans He may have for me! I sit and think what I can do for God. It’s not real impressive. Then, I think, “I wonder what I’ll be able to do after the lessons God wishes to teach me.” It could impact more people for His kingdom. If I learn the lesson God wants me to learn - He could use me to make SIGNIFICANT differences. Won’t that be cool! Maybe someday, I’ll sit back and see how God used me and think inside that even in my wildest dreams I didn’t think I could be used in such a big way.

The bottom line is to keep GOD FIRST, find out where He is working, and then LISTEN for His directions on how you are going to be used in His plans! Then, your life will have greater impact than you can imagine. This means, no matter how hard life can be for you, stay focused! Don’t give in to the “poor me” syndrome! Yes, I had cancer, 3 surgeries, and 8 cycles of chemo treatment - I thank God that this will mold me to be the one He needs for one of His jobs!

Several people have asked Lonnie and myself if I am really doing as well as my blog says I am. Guess some of you are wondering if I am good at faking. Well, here’s my answer, yes, I have been doing great. However, I don’t want you to think I’m not normal. I have my moments. Matter of fact, today is a VERY HARD day for me!

You see, one of the side effects this chemo is having on my body is constipation. Yes, a couple days ago I was screaming, “Please God, I’d rather give natural birth to twins at the same time then allow this to come out!” (Sorry for the bluntness). It hurt - I bled! So, last night to be on the safe side, I took good old stand by Milk of Magnesia - you know, the pink chalk stuff. Plus, Lon told me onions work so I had a few spoons full with my chicken dinner. Can you guess how I spent my night? Yes, at 2:30am I put a new TP roll on - and at 8am I had to put another new roll on again!

Now let me tell you how traumatic this is about using that much TP. My wonderful Grandpa Sam had a cottage up in Star Lake Wisconsin. We went there every summer. The cottage had its own septic etc. and “backing up” was not uncommon. So, Gramps - EVERY TIME you went into the “little room” - would yell, “Don’t use more than 4 squares!” Well, our septic here in Bakersfield has been known to plug up more than our septic in Illinois. I do get very paranoid of back ups - especially when the toilet has something in it - you know where I’m going with that. So, in honor of Gramps, I was watching my “square” usage last night!

This morning, I looked in the mirror - and it was either a “distorted” mirror - or I am seeing changes I don’t like. I am at the lowest weight I have been since before Keona was born. Now, if I had lost this weight trying I would be SO excited. Loosing it through this situation is not flattering. My skin is dried looking - old looking - but at the same time full of ZITS! My hair is rougher - and yes, couple more than normal strands fell out. My tongue has sores around the edges. Let’s just say that the lady in the mirror isn’t how I like to think of myself. And to top it off - this is treatment #1 - still 7 more to go.

SO, I got into the shower - a very hot shower - and began to shed a few tears. I began to tell my heavenly Daddy that I was ticked! I am mad! I am not pleased! I am scared! Then, I thought I better end it with a “please forgive me for feeling this way!” My heavenly Daddy immediately gave me a big hug (yes, my heavenly Daddy even showers with me) and said to me, “Donna my sweet daughter, I have NEVER asked you to NOT FEEL! I have never told you that you need to live through this with no emotions! I have never told you that pain and sorrow won’t be a real part of your life on earth. What I have told you - what makes you different because of your love for Me - is that while dealing with your emotions, know that the cancer and treatments affect you BUT I HAVE CONTROL OF YOU AND YOUR BODY!”

Was that what I needed to hear! It’s so incredible that an all loving all knowing heavenly Daddy would know exactly what I needed to hear! I can mourn the loss of my hair. I can get upset about my body feeling frail because the treatments will affect my body. HOWEVER, I need to live with peace and the knowledge that IT doesn’t have control. NOTHING will happen to my body that my heavenly Daddy doesn’t know about or allow! I don’t have to understand the whys - I can have prefect peace that He knows the whys and He is in control! I can walk through it all - even through my dark days - because ultimately, my Daddy is in control!

So yes, today I am dealing harder with some of my emotions! It’s not been an all “uplifting happy go lucky” kind of day! That’s OK! Because even through my human emotions, I HAVE PRFECT PEACE - the peace that only my heavenly Daddy can give me!

I don’t know what’s affecting your life: sickness, treatments, kids making bad choices, marriages that are less than perfect, someone has harmed you or wronged you, money is lacking (we know that one too) etc. Please hear this… you have the right to deal with the emotions that those things cause because they do AFFECT you - but have peace because they do not CONTROL you - your heavenly Daddy does!! Be real - take your emotions to Jesus - tell Him you need help sorting through them and tell Him that you need the peace only He can give through those emotions! I will promise you - HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

So, I guess I have bad days - wait, can I even call them bad days if I am still living in a PEACE that is supernatural!!?!?!?? I am SO BLESSED!!

I asked a friend today how she was doing. Her reply, “I’m surviving!” What does that mean? I have said that for most of my adult life, “I’m surviving.” Does that mean I did enough today to feel good about the day? Does it mean I did what it takes to make it through the day? Does it mean no ups or down I just coasted? Does it mean I can just chalk off another day? Is “surviving” a good thing? Or is there more to life than just “surviving”?

Most of my life was just surviving. I was a good person, a decent wife, a good mom. I did enough around the home, school, church, and community to be able to go to bed not feeling guilty. I was a true loyal friend to the few I allowed to be in my “real” friendship circle. Basically, everyone thought I was a “good” person - so I was surviving.

God had to make a drastic change in my life for me to see that He doesn’t want me to “survive”! He wants me to LIVE! God brought me to Bakersfield to learn this lesson. The first thing God did was to have me meet Frank and Phyllis - my adoptive CA parents. They noticed right away that I was all about my “to do list”: keeping the house up for appearance, staying active for appearance, etc. They saw that I was all about surviving. They introduced a new concept to me - like duh - God didn’t put me on this earth to survive. It’s not even about me! God put me on this earth to serve Him by being here for others! WOW - what an impact. You mean God thinks people are more important than my “list”?!!?

I began to think about that. This has nothing to do about me, but others. God didn’t put me on this earth to get things done for myself, so I could have fun etc. God put me on this earth to be His arms, feet, and heart for others. Over one year now I have tried to LIVE my life instead of surviving. I began with baby steps. I took a dinner to someone that had surgery. I began to offer my home for childcare when friends were busy or just needed a break. I even walked up to friends - knowing that they may “need” to talk for hours - instead of turning around and running so I could mark something off my “to do list”. I began hearing people’s hearts! I began seeing needs. I began LIVING!

Now, I can’t imagine waking up and saying to God, “Lord, please help me survive today!” My prayer today and everyday is, “Lord, please help me live so I can be here for others!” I start my day with a few “to dos” but with the awareness that my schedule can change with a blink of the eye. I can actually say, I can lay my head down at night with no guilt even if nothing on my to do list was crossed off - IF I touched someone’s life!

Now, I have cancer and these lovely chemo treatments. They are on my to do list and they aren’t going anywhere. I have the RIGHT to take a break and SURVIVE! I actually remember saying those words when I was diagnosed - “I’ll survive!” GOD has put his foot down and said, “NO WAY DONNA! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SURVIVE CHEMO. YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE!” I may live with a brick feeling in my tummy and the feeling of extreme tiredness, but I will live! Yes, everyday, even in my condition, I have found ways that I can serve God by helping others! What an incredible feeling.

The twist of all of this is the reward I receive for putting others before myself! I feel more complete, happier, and a greater sense of God’s peace! I know that my heavenly Daddy is looking down and saying, “Sweetheart - GOOD JOB - you are living!!”

What roadblocks are in your life from stopping you from living? Is surviving all you know? I ask you to think about how complete you feel - just surviving. If you don’t go to bed every night thanking God for the day and the impact He allowed you to have for His sake, I ask you to pray, “God, show me how to live and not just survive!” I will promise you that if you feel ½ the satisfaction that I now live with - you’ll know you made the right decision! Think of the impact we’ll all make for God by LIVING!

PS: have you ever heard of chemo Brain? Well, it’s supposed to be a true thing - and hit some people after the chemo treatments. I don’t know if it hit me yet, but I’m sure saying it has so I have an excuse!!! Typing is getting harder for me - the eye hand coordination. My hands don’t seem to hit the right keys like they use to. I have “word spell”, but please be patient with my blog if things are spelled correctly but make no sense! This too should pass - I think - but if it doesn’t, what a great new cop-out since I’m not blonde (he he he)